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| Author: P.S. Speare - PG - English - Reviews: 7 | |
A/N: The characters of Gravitation belong to their respective owners, not me! Besides, this is only my second attempt at Gravitation and so I’m not doing the characters much justice!
Crossroads: Chapter 1
Silence was such a blessed thing.
Yuki Eiri leaned back on his living room couch and let it enfold him in its comforting presence. He glanced around the darkened room, memorizing its uncommon stillness before it was disturbed once again by a flurry of pink hair and the grating voice of a hyperactive singer. He smirked slightly at the thought his young lover. Shuichi was fairly late this evening but surely, the idiot had gotten over what had happened last night; the boy tended to take the saying ‘forgive and forget’ to a whole new level.
Taking a sip from the glass of brandy in his hands, Yuki closed his eyes and rested his head against the top of the sofa, slowly following the liquid heat down his esophagus and into his stomach. And thus, he waited … alone … in the dark … in the silence. Unconsciously, he rotated his wrist, causing the ice to clink against the glass in his hands. Its pristine sound seemed to echo cavernously in the now increasingly oppressive quiet.
<Shit! Damn him!> Yuki opened his eyes and stared up at the ceiling, strangely intrigued by the rainbow of dancing city lights that had fought their way through his drapes. Why did he all of a sudden feel so … so uncomfortable … so uneasy?
<That stupid kid can’t still be holding a grudge about last night. He’s simply not that kind of person.>
But perhaps Shuichi was still upset. That would explain why he hadn’t returned yet. Yuki gritted his teeth in frustration as the unfamiliar concept of insecurity began to assault his mind.
<He wouldn’t leave … would he?>
And still, a small voice in his head reminded him that Shuichi’s departure was what he had hoped for and had adamantly wanted since the moment they met. But then, why did that thought seem to cause his chest to constrict?
“Are you thinking about him?”
That voice … it was so familiar, so haunting, and so unwanted. He knew who he’d see if he turned his head and was loathed to admit he was even slightly frightened to confirm his suspicions. But look he did, into the penetrating eyes of his former friend, his tutor … his betrayer, Yuki Kitazawa.
“Are you thinking about him?” the apparition repeated innocently to Yuki’s left.
The writer looked away. “Get out of my head. You’re nothing but a drunken illusion,” he rasped as he closed his eyes once again in the vain hope that the figure would disappear.
“Did you enjoy it? Corrupting his innocence? Defiling something so pure?” The words came out glib, rolling seductively off the tongue of the dead man.
“Go away.” Impatience. Anger. Frustration.
The illusion chuckled softly. “I’m not that easy to get rid of. You should know that by now.”
Yuki didn’t need to look to know that his former tutor was watching him intently. He could feel those eyes scrutinizing him, invoking a sense of uneasiness and even a tinge of fear. He brought his glass to his lips again in hopes that the liquid would quell the undesired feelings.
“You know, he is what you once were … laughter, light, and life …”
Knuckles whitened as the novelist tightened his grip on the glass. He forced himself to breathe as the apparition’s words penetrated deep into his soul.
(***)
21 hours ago …
“Yu – uki!”
The man in question groaned inwardly as he watched his pink-haired lover bounce into his study and lean half his body lazily on the desk.
Damn, it was two in the morning! Where in the world did the boy get all that energy?
“Yuki, come to bed,” Shuichi whined. “You’ve been working non-stop all night and you need your rest.”
The blonde returned his gaze to the laptop monitor, hoping the boy would take the hint and go away. Unfortunately, he wasn’t that lucky.
“Yuki – “ the singer drawled as he leaned over and whispered huskily into his lover’s ear. “Come to bed …”
Yuki’s expression remained impassive. “Go away. I have work to finish,” he replied stonily as he began to type again.
“But Yuki – “ Shuichi’s eyes followed the man’s movements with a mixture of hurt and want. After a moment of indecision, he gave into impulse and pushed the screen of the laptop down, snapping it closed. Yuki barely managed to jerk his fingers away in time. “There, now you have to stop because I won’t let you re-open that thing unless you get some sleep.” He smiled endearingly, hoping to lighten the wrath he knew was coming.
Yuki continued to stare at his closed computer, his face unreadable.
“Yuki – “ Before Shuichi could go on, the blonde’s mouth was on his, demanding, harsh, and aggressive. The older man dragged his lover fully onto the desk and twisted him around so that Shuichi laid on his back, completely vulnerable and open to his partner’s assault.
Without preamble, Yuki forcefully plunged his tongue into the boy’s mouth, delving into its sweet depths, and savouring the control and power he drew from the soft body writhing beneath him. He heard the younger man whimper weakly and felt Shuichi try to break the rough contact by turning his head, but he paid it no heed. Yuki shifted his body, pinning his young lover beneath him hard against the polished surface.
<This was what you wanted, wasn’t it, Shuichi?> he thought as he moved his knee up to forcefully spread the younger man’s legs. <This was what you were asking for, wasn’t it?>
Yuki felt hands push against his chest in an attempt to push him off but he would have none of it. Grabbing the boy’s wrists, Yuki yanked them above their heads, banging them hard against the desktop and holding them tight. Shuichi’s body bucked in protest of the pain, causing Yuki to break off his ravaging kiss.
“Stop it, Yuki,” the boy said in a broken voice. “You’re hurting me.”
Yet, the older man ignored the words and continued his assault, this time on the boy’s neck where he sucked and nipped so hard that he know there would be marks there the next morning.
“Yuki, stop!” Shuichi had somehow found his voice now, his protests getting significantly louder.
“You wanted a good fuck and now you’re getting it! This was what you were begging for, wasn’t it?” Yuki said harshly as he stopped his work on his partner’s soft skin and gazed down into Shuichi’s glistening eyes. “Wasn’t it?” he repeated as he tightened his hold on those delicate wrists.
“Yuki…” A tear slipped down the singer’s temple as he tried to speak. “You’re hurting me … please … stop…”
The blonde glanced down at his naïve young lover, unmoving. “Don’t think a fucking tear is going to make me…”
“No, Yuki! Not like this! I love you but … not like this …”
The older man froze, his hold slackening slightly at the boy’s words.
/ … I love you …/
“Get out,” Yuki ground out. “Get the hell out and don’t come back in here again!”
“Yuki?” Those limpid eyes now held confusion in their depths.
“I said, get out! Go!” He enunciated each word, as if dictating to a two year old.
Without further hassle, Shuichi moved to comply, shakily rolling out from under Yuki and off the desk. He was visibly trembling, but moved quickly to the door, glancing back only briefly at the frozen figure still positioned on the desk before completely exiting the room.
(***)
“You liked it, didn’t you? His screams? His pleading? His begging you to stop?”
Yuki tried to ignore the irritating voice of his former tutor.
“Don’t deny that you didn’t enjoy it just a little. I know you liked it.”
“Shut up!” The words came out louder than Yuki expected, which puzzled the usually stoic blonde. “Shut up,” he repeated a little more quietly, still refusing to meet the penetrating eyes of his interrogator.
Quiet once again descended over the dark room. And then, “What have you become, Uesugi Eiri?” The illusion’s question was asked softly, his tone wise but the words damning. “You’ve changed so much since that cold night in New York, but what have you changed into? Did you happen to kill yourself the same moment you killed me?”
Yuki opened his eyes and stared sightlessly at his ceiling. He didn’t have a definite answer but he had a pretty good idea.
“Perhaps I did…”
(***)
15 hours ago…
Fatigue dogged his every motion but Shuichi tried his best not to show it. Yuki watched silently as the boy attempted to muster up his usual energy and go about his morning activities. Not a word had been exchanged between them since their incident and Yuki knew that nothing would be said for a while.
Bringing his mug up to his lips, the blonde took a sip of his rapidly cooling coffee as his gaze followed the boy’s movements. There was no beaming smile or sparkling eyes this morning, something for which he should be grateful but oddly enough, he felt saddened by their absence. It was something he couldn’t seem to explain.
Shuichi put his breakfast dishes away and moved somewhat mechanically to grab his bag. Before Yuki knew it, the boy had gone off to work. A click of the door, and that was it. No goodbyes, no ‘I’ll be back late’, not even a backward glance. Just silence … empty silence.
It had been like a scene out of those old silent movies, Yuki thought. Not a word had escaped from their mouths, which was usual for him but Shuichi? Normally, the teen would be chatting non-stop, irritating the hell out of him while he inwardly seethed at the ceaseless noise. But this morning had been … different. Something was different.
Yuki finished his coffee and sighed. Of course, he could have said something to break the tension: perhaps one of his habitual insults, or perhaps a comment about the boy’s pathetic talent, or perhaps even an apology. But nothing had been forthcoming. He had said so much with his inaction, and he wondered if Shuichi had noticed. He had merely watched, in silence, seemingly apathetic as his lover walked out of the apartment after a night of an almost-rape.
He shouldn’t have been bothered by his behaviour this morning seeing as how he was a man of few words most of the time. No, what bothered him was the fact that he was questioning what he had done, or rather, did not do. Why had he not spoken this morning? And what kind of man was he that he could not bring himself to apologize for what he had done last night?
(***)
“I think I understand now. I see it in you … the cruelty, the hardness …”
“Shut up! You’re dead! I’ve already put my demons of you to rest. You have no part in my life now!” Yuki’s angry voice echoed in the still room as he opened his eyes and forced himself to face his tormentor. An innocent gaze and a knowing smile were emblazoned on the apparition’s face.
“I’m dead, am I? I don’t think so. No, far from it,” it replied calmly, juxtaposing the fury that blazed in Yuki’s demeanor. “You see, I think I’m very much alive … in you, Yuki. You behaved just like that lead singer of ASK, Tachi Aizawa. I think you’ve become something you despise … you’ve become me.”
The arrogant tone fueled the blonde’s boiling blood. “Shut up. Just shut the fuck up!” He didn’t want to hear this right now. He didn’t want to face what he’d become right now.
“If you don’t come to terms with it now, Yuki, then when will you? Until you’re delusional mind creates me again? Until you get into another ‘situation’ with your lover? Or until he leaves you for good?”
“He wouldn’t leave me,” the blonde protested automatically, although the conviction behind those words had dwindled considerably since the last time he thought about Shuichi leaving. Strange, how these words had just flown out of his mouth uncontrolled and entirely unconscious. He tried to rationalize his statement. “He said he loves me …”
“Love?” The apparition repeated tauntingly. “You know what love is, don’t you? It’s nothing but an idea that idealistic youth fantasize about. Reality has no place for such illusions. I thought you learned that long ago. Besides, how can he love you when you can’t even love yourself?”
The question hung answered in the air as Yuki found himself unable to think clearly, the recently spoken words throwing his usually organized thoughts into chaos.
“He’s not coming back, you know,” the dead man continued. “He’s left you.”
Although the statement held no concrete substance, it still stabbed at Yuki’s heart, or rather, what remained of it.
“No…” The blonde breathed out.
“Yes.”
“No … he wouldn’t. You’re lying…”
“Yes, Yuki. Think about it. You’ve probably destroyed what love he might’ve had for you last night and this morning. What does that say about you?” The question was asked innocently enough, but all Yuki heard was the underlying mockery that taunted his grasp on sanity.
“Shut up,” he croaked as he shut his eyes, and naively hoping to shut out his doubts as well. “He – he wouldn’t leave me … he wouldn’t!” Before he knew it, the sound of shattering glass filled the room, causing Yuki to open his eyes and look down at this empty hand. Glancing up at the opposite wall, he watched eerily dark liquid slowly trickle down from where he’d impulsively thrown his drink; little by little, each droplet crawled its way down to the floor to join the myriad of sparkling crystals that were littered there. Yuki couldn’t pull his eyes away, inexplicably entranced at how the outside lights seemed to reflect playfully off the shattered glass and the liquid it once held.
“That must have been such good brandy, Yuki. But look at what you did. You’ve ruined it,” the figure reprimanded gently. “You’re good at that aren’t you? Ruining things. You ruined him … just like I ruined you …”
A denial was simmering right below the surface but as Yuki followed the last droplet’s progress to the floor, he realized that he would be lying to himself if he refuted his accuser’s words. Yes, he understood now, what he had been and what he had become. His former tutor had been right: love was an illusion, an ideal that existed only in the novels he wrote. And he, Yuki Eiri was a realist, not the dreamer that Uesegi Eiri had been. He was now someone who could not love and did not want to be loved … because if he remained true to himself, he knew he would never be worthy of it.
“Now you’re beginning to see…,” the apparition nodded encouragingly.
Yuki couldn’t bear to look at that face right now, but the ensuing quiet finally prompted him to turn his attention to where the figure had been.
Nothing.
It was gone.
Yuki let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding and leaned back into the couch. He couldn’t decided if what he’d just seen was an illusion conjured by his alcohol-hazed mind or a real spirit. And frankly, now that it was gone, he didn’t care.
And so, he was alone again …in the darkness … in the silence…
But as he tried to readjust to the tranquility that once again surrounded him, he couldn’t help but feel inexplicably empty and lonely.
Damn, silence was such a cursed thing.