Title: If My Tears Turn to Rain

Author: Shiraishi Mayumi ([1]sohma_kyo@hotmail.com)

Rating: PG-13 (kinda angsty... just in case. ^.~)

Keywords: angst, Yuki, Shuuichi

Description: Yuki and Shuuichi have a problem... a *serious* problem...

Yuki Eiri sat calmly at his desk, typing away at his most recent novel, occasionally clicking the "ignore" button on his AIM to keep the rabid fans from bothering him on the internet in addition to all the annoying phone calls and mail he got in real life.

The one refuge he had from all in his life that normally sucked was one, small, pink-haired boy named Shuuichi. He never would've thought he'd be attracted someone like him. And that went both ways. Why the hell did Shuuichi love him..? And what made him so trusting?

Yuki felt a twinge of guilt just then; Shuuichi was always so trusting of him, yet he wasn't always so truthful himself. He never lied about anything big; just little white lies once in awhile. If Shuuichi ever happened to catch him in one, of course the boy would get mad, having felt betrayed, but Yuki would quickly come up with some cover for it so that it would seem as if it was never a lie at all.

That morning, he had given Shuuichi one of those little white lies.

It wasn't anything bad; a girl had written him a fan letter and had told him that she was trying to write a love novel herself, and wanted his advice. For some reason, Yuki had been struck by this girl, and had been driven to respond.

They had been corresponding via e-mail and letter for the last month or so; she'd send him a draft, which he'd edit and send back with twice as many criticisms as before.

Shuuichi hated it when he corresponded with his fans in anything more than a "Thank you for writing me," which Shuuichi himself insisted he write to every person who bothered to write him a fan letter. Especially since the last fan he had agreed to meet in person had shown up nude at their doorstep...

Yuki shuddered. Best not to remember that.

That morning before Shuuichi had left for work, he had asked Yuki, half asleep, if he was still talking with his fans. Yuki had said no, just the moron he slept with. Shuuichi had nipped him playfully on the ear, apologized for doubting him, and left.

The mother of all guilt trips ensued shortly thereafter.

The reason he felt guilty wasn't because of what he was doing, but because he had lied to Shuuichi about it in the first place. Shuuichi was always so honest and trusting... he usually expected people to treat him in the same way. He was naive like that. But Yuki also knew that a lie coming from him would hurt more than a lie from anyone else.

He had cut back on the white lies a lot, working on honesty. With Shuuichi, at least. This had been the first time in two months he had given one of his little white lies. Now he had to make sure Shuuichi never found out. He remembered the pained look on Shuuichi's face the last time he had caught him..

<<"Demo, Yuki, this isn't from the grocery store..."

Yuki didn't look up. "What are you talking about? It's milk, isn't it?"

"Yeah..." he said slowly. "But they don't sell this kind of milk there... you can only get it at the bar..."

Yuki froze. Damn the boy and his ability to notice and keep track of details.

"You were at the bar with Touma again, weren't you?" Shuuichi's eyes were covered by pink bangs, making it near impossible to read whether he was angry or sad.

".... Only for a little while. He asked me to write more lyrics for your stupid songs."

"... that's all you did?"

"Yeah."

"Then why did your sister complain that you and Touma are out too much, drinking at bars and coming home late?"

"..."

"... Yuki?"

"We were just reminiscing, that's all. It's been a long time since I've been able to talk to people about my past." And that part was true. It *had* been awhile...

Shuuichi banged his fist on top of Yuki's desk, making the blonde jump slightly. "Why can't you talk to me about it? Am I not important enough?"

Yuki looked away. "You'd never understand."

Purple eyes bore holes into the back of Yuki's head. "And who's fault is that?" The boy closed his eyes, and took several deep breaths. "It's okay if you don't want to tell me things, Yuki. I don't mind. Well, I do mind... but not as much as I mind you lying to me. I hate it when you lie. It makes me feel unimportant to you. So just.. please... if you don't want me to know something, fine, tell me that it's something you don't want to tell me. I won't like it, but I'll like it less if you lie to me," A single drop of liquid fell onto the table. "Please...">>

Yuki couldn't see him do that again. He never could figure out what it was that drove him to lie like that. He hated hurting Shuuichi. I guess, he thought, I figure if I tell him I don't want him to know, he'll get hurt. But if I lie, and don't get caught, he'll never get hurt at all... as long as I don't get caught.

Yuki sighed, and rubbed his temples.

Just then, the door flew open, and then slammed shut again.

Yuki sighed, knowing what was coming. Shuuichi would fly into his study, and exclaim in an excited voice how much he missed him all day, ask what he had done and then ask what he wanted for dinner.

Shuuichi definitely knew how to cook. He had to give the boy that much.

But there was nothing.

No loud "La li ho~" that announced his partner's return home, no patter of socked feet down the wooden hallway...

That made Yuki suspicious. He stood up slowly, and walked silently towards the door.

I know I keep a gun in the bedroom drawers, he thought to himself, so if I can just make it across the hall, I'll be okay...

Steeling himself, he stepped out into the hallway and dashed across to the bedroom, and quickly shut the door behind him.

Damn! That was louder than I wanted it to be. If I had only... Yuki's train of thought died there. He had begun to turn around and move towards his bed, but what he saw sitting on top of it had stopped him.

A suitcase. Half packed.

Shuuichi entered the room, carrying his toothbrush and a tube of toothpaste. He didn't say anything to Yuki, but instead walked coldly towards the suitcase and tucked the toothbrush and toothpaste into a pouch next to his socks.

"... what are you doing?" Yuki asked slowly.

There was a pause. "I know, Yuki."

"Know what?"

"I know about you and the girl you're writing to."

Yuki froze. He thought about lying, but noted that it would probably hurt him more than help him at this point. "How did you find out?"

Shuuichi laughed shortly. "One of your letters got stuck in my backpack. I saw it in my stuff, and thought you had written me a letter.. until I read it. You said you weren't doing that anymore. I asked you this morning, and you said you weren't doing that anymore."

Yuki scoweled. "I'm not going to leave you for one of my stupid fans, Shuuichi. Stop being paranoid."

Only then did Shuuichi look up at him. "It's not what you lied about, it's that you lied. Again. You know that." He laughed again, and wiped at his eyes with the corner of an orange sleeve. "I can't do this anymore, Yuki. I can't. I can't sit here every day and wonder if I'm being lied to."

"It's not like I've ever lied to you about anything important..." Yuki whispered.

"Oh? And how do I know that?" Anger started to crease the normally cheerful boy's brow. "If you lie to me about things supposedly so insignificant, how do I know that you'll tell me the truth when something important comes up? I don't want to have to sit here and dissect everything you tell me, Yuki! We're a *couple*, I should be able to just *trust* you, and not have to worry about you ever lying to me!"

Finally. Yuki spoke. "I'm sorry, Shuuichi." He said quietly. At this point, he thought, I'd do anything or say anything to keep you from leaving.

Don't leave me.

Shuuichi shook his head. "I know you are. I know that. And I know that you don't try to hurt me... but it still hurts. It's affecting my work, Yuki."

He took a deep breath. "I'm going to stay at Hiro's for awhile. We're not breaking up, Yuki. I'm not going to leave that easily. But we have a lot of problems that we need to work out, and I think we both need time alone to think."

His suitcase shut with a loud click, and the younger boy walked past Yuki, and towards the door.

Yuki stood in the doorway and watched as Shuuichi opened the door.

He paused, and turned to meet Yuki's eyes. "Call me at Hiro's when you're ready, Yuki. I'll be waiting."

The door closed.

"Idiot." Yuki whispered.

He walked numbly towards the kitchen. Coffee... I need coffee... or some really strong liquor... He opened the cabinet, and reached for a random cup. He laughed softly at himself when he noticed that the cup he had chosen was that stupid mug Shuuichi always used. He'd left it.

He grabbed the mug, temporarily forgetting about the coffee, and sat down on the couch.

The idiot had left his blanket, too.

It smelled like him...

"Shuuichi..." A silent tear ran down his cheek.

"Idiot."

Ba bum~ I wrote a fic. ;p To be continued...? I might add more. ;p

12/06/01

References

1. mailto:sohma_kyo@hotmail.com