Author: merrow - PG-13 - English - Drama - Reviews: 89
Yuki opened his eyes and admitted to himself that he was not going to be able to sleep. He was achingly tired and his limbs all felt as if they were made of lead. He felt like he could count every breath he was taking and every breath seemed like such an effort. He propped himself up against the wall near the hearth and fed another bit of wood into the fire. Sitting up helped a bit and he could feel the warmth of the fire reflecting into him. His chest loosened a little and his eyes drifted shut. A flash of dark eyes in another dark room a long time ago made his breath catch for an entirely different reason. His eyes flew open and for a minute didn't see the rough shack around him but a sterile shadowy room and a murky outline advancing. He was cold as ice, and rivers of frost flowed through his veins. He felt as though he was freezing solid. His throat closed completely and his eyes rolled in panic. He couldn't breathe, it was dark, his hands flailed out to brace against the wall. He heard something clatter and looked down.
The picture of Tooru's mother grinned back up at him, and he felt his breath explode out of him. He sucked in a deep breath and even when he immediately fell into coughing was relieved. Tooru wouldn't leave her mother's picture in such a place as he remembered. That was another place, another time, and he was never going back there again. He leaned painfully forward and picked up the photo. Tooru would never forgive him if it were damaged. He placed it so he could see it from where he was sitting and adjusted it so that it looked like it was smiling at him. That was unfair to Tooru...she would forgive him. He had a feeling that she would forgive anything done to her, any hurt, any slight. He remembered how she had chastised Kyou for speaking unkindly of her aunt and uncle. He felt uncomfortably warm, and knew it wasn't the fever. Anytime he thought of how they'd made her cry...He pushed dark hair out of his eyes and glowered at the photo. Tooru's mother smiled on, oblivious to the mouse's ire. He closed his eyes irritably. He wished he could let go so easily. Tooru said whatever came to mind, and seemed to only strive because that's what she felt was right.
He felt the old tension creeping into him. In the Souma clan he had to be perfect, controlled, the best. It was expected of the one born under the curse of the mouse. The mouse excelled, the mouse was special. The mouse did everything right, and always had to be quick and clever. The mouse was sitting all alone in a dark, drafty room. He smiled internally, and he felt his mask slipping back into place. The mouse was composed and serene. In school he was the prince, he was charming, he was helpful. The prince was aloof and alone doling out his favors sparingly as if they were a great gift. The prince was expected to observe from a distance, to be mysterious, not to be included. The prince was feeling very, very alone. His chest constricted, and he felt as if he was being pummeled by everyone's expectations. Everyone raised him up so high, and he was so afraid of falling. Even Kyou expected so much of him. Just because he was the mouse he was the cat's rival. He had to be better, had to win every battle. Kyou was free to do whatever he wanted, and the baka neko only wanted to beat him, to become one of the Souma family. He longed to trade places, to be free of everyone's expectations. To be free as Kyou was free. Instead the idiot ran around in circles trying to fit himself into the cage that everyone with sense wanted to be free of. It pissed him off, and he felt the old rage burn in him. Kyou was so uncontrolled, so open. He held nothing back. He and Tooru were a good match.
He gasped at the image of the two of them together, his insides twisting. He'd be left alone by both of them, just as he was now. He felt the core of himself freeze where it had been melting before. Just two days ago it had been practically fluid as he woke in that luscious flowing warmth. He concentrated on breathing, in and out, through a throat made tight not from any fever, from any defect. Just the memory of that morning loosened something in him. Unbidden came other memories, Tooru leaning close in worry, her blushing at receiving a simple gift of ribbons. He was being foolish. Kyou wouldn't leave him alone till he'd beaten him. Tooru...he opened his eyes and looked again at her mother's grinning face.
"Mother taught me to be a person who believes, and so I will believe instead of doubt."
"No one is born kind."
Tooru didn't expect anything from him, from anyone. She took each act of kindness as a wonderful surprise and gift. He wanted to surprise her again and again. They way she surprised him, over and over. The fact that she was here, with them was reason enough to believe. He remembered again the scene he and Kyou had walked in on in her grandfather's house.
"I've received so much." She worked so hard, and never expected anything.
"I have only reasons to be grateful." Her parents both dead, no home of her own, and hardly and possessions, she only thought of the pittance that she had received from the world and found it rich. He had riches and saw nothing but things to grasp, things to envy. He was so stupid.
"I want to go back... I wanted to find out more about Souma-kun and Kyou-kun...more and more...I wanted to stay..." He could give her that, that little thing she asked for. He could strive and try to believe. He was sure he could do it, wasn't he the mouse after all? Didn't the prince exist to serve the princess? His eyes drifted shut, and he felt his limbs go liquid, and loose. If people like her really existed...anything was possible. He slept at last and somewhere inside, a tiny door opened on a chamber long left shut.
