Disclaimers: Gravitation and its characters do not belong to me (I only wish they did)

Notes: Notes: Shounen ai (no duh), meant to be sad but I’m not sure if it worked. Characters OOC (because I just can’t seem to keep them in character for long).

~*Bloodred Valentine*~

Yuki's brain could hardly understand the most recent predicament it had been plunged into. He had woken up with Shuichi gone, pendant hung around his wrist. Nothing else. He'd looked for the singer for a while now before hearing a small noise outside of his apartment. Sighing with relief he walked to the door.

"Idiot just had to leave for something," Yuki commented, trying to distill the worry that had risen. He knew he had awoken to something, probably Shuichi breaking something again, and the idea that it was a gunshot floated around in the back of his head. An idea he didn't want to think back on. When he had found no trace of Shuichi in his apartment his fears had only grown worse.

However, as he opened the door to his apartment and entered the hallway he was surprised to see that girl from earlier sitting there, a gun held limply between her hands. Yuki immediately pushed past her, clinging to the necklace he'd found around his wrist in his hand tightly as he caught sight of Shuichi against the wall.

He knelt in front of him, hands reaching out instinctively to touch him, tears rising in his eyes again. This all had to be some sort of a terrible nightmare. A terrible nightmare brought on by the memories of the concert and his past. He reached out to stroke the boy's hair tenderly, not daring anything more. He didn't know why but he was afraid to touch him, to go near him. Edging closer to him, touching him, either would bring him crashing back into the fact that this was reality. THIS was real, life with Shuichi was no more than a dream now.

Turning to face the girl the tears fell from his eyes, his glare ten times more vicious than anyone had ever seen before. No one had earned so much of Yuki's hate before. Psy dropped the gun and fell back, scooting across the floor to the other wall, staring at him. This is all your own fault, for hurting Shindo-san. You should have known he'd be angry.

"This is all your fault for hurting me. You should have known I'd be angry," she stated, using her thoughts and panic against him. Yuki's eyes widened and he looked back at Shuichi. The wall and floor were already stained with his blood, his clothes already a deep match of red and blue. A small trail of blood ran from his mouth, and Yuki shivered. He couldn't take much more. How many more people would die before him...because of him.

"My...fault..." he echoed back hollowly and Psy nodded shakily, seeing the effect this was having on Yuki. She had been right to go for Shindo-san, this obviously hurt him a lot more than she had thought it would. She'd gotten her revenge.

"That's right, Yuki. It's your fault. Do you even remember my name? Do you? Do you even remember if you asked?!" she snapped, glaring at him as he turned wounded eyes on her. It was a look she'd never thought she'd see from Yuki Eiri, heartless bastard novelist extraordinaire. He didn't hear the words she'd just spoken though, the same two words running through his head.

His fault.

It was his fault.

His fault Shuichi was dead. Was it just his destiny to hurt the people close to him? To kill them? He was starting to think that answer was yes. He wasn't afraid of being hurt anymore, he just wanted Shuichi back. He didn't want Shuichi to be hurt. Yet the fact of the matter was, he had hurt the girl, he had hurt Shuichi, and both had hurt him. Shuichi most of all by leaving him alone again. He wondered if it was worth it, both of them being happy for a little while, now knowing that Shuichi would have to loose all happiness he was supposed to have later on because of it. Payment. Yuki'd been happy, and now whatever God was watching over him wanted payment for it.

Dammit.

"Well, are you going to say something?!" she demanded, earning her courage back quickly. Yuki was just as heartless to her as he had been before. For the first time since he'd seen Shuichi his eyes focused on something else, bringing out the girl's features. No, it wasn't the girl from the street, but she sure looked a hell of a lot like her. Same color hair, blue eyes. Memories of her were slowly starting to find their way into his brain. A young girl he'd happened to like once, but nothing more. She had left after the first time he'd told her too. He'd figured that would be the last time he saw her again.

That was why she'd done it.

Because Yuki had treated her the way he had Shuichi.

Only...

She'd given up.

"Why Shuichi?" he asked. He understood that the girl was upset with him, but to drag Shuichi into their argument? Why would she do something so...wrong? How could she kill someone as sweet and innocent as Shuichi in place of a cold bastard like himself. It didn't make sense.

"Because I knew killing him would hurt you. I don't want you dead, but I want you to learn. Don't do this to anyone again. You shouldn't have done it the first time around." she tried to keep her voice straight as she talked but it shook. Staring at Yuki's eyes hurt more than she would have imagined. It was obvious how much he'd been through, and for the first time she actually felt guilty about what she'd done to HIM. She'd felt sorry about hurting Shindo-san, not Yuki, but bringing more tears to Yuki's wounded eyes…she couldn't help but feel sorry now.

"I wouldn't have done it to anyone ever again," he spoke firmly, face determined. She didn't know what was running through his head but she would have given anything to find out. "I wasn't going to be with anyone other than Shuichi, and I won’t." With that Yuki stood up, staring down at Shuichi again as the tears continued to fall freely. "Don't think you're getting away with this," he threatened and Psy shook her head.

"I didn't want to." Yuki proceeded to ignore her, staring down at Shuichi, forcing himself to snap back to reality. He wouldn't be able to stand like that forever. "Shindo-san...wanted me to tell you something," Psy spoke up and Yuki turned around, waiting for her to continue. "He told me to tell you that...He'd wait, too," she stated, voice shaking as she finished. There had been nothing wrong with Shindo-san, other than the fact that he was close to Yuki. If the situation had been different, she was sure her and Shindo-san might have even been friends.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

CB was more than a little agitated when she woke up to her phone ringing. Did they have any idea what time it was? Not even she was insane enough to call that late at night. However, if someone was calling so late it had to be urgent, right?

Mumbling something incoherent about 'destroy the damn thing' she picked up the phone, placing it to her ear and trying hard to wake up enough to form coherent words. She could hear something in the background, was that...crying?

"Hello?" she asked, seriously worried. Something was wrong, she had a feeling.

"CB?" CB jumped at her friend's voice, she was definitely talking through sobs.

"Maiko, what's wrong?" she asked, seriously worried. It had been a long time since last she'd seen her friend cry. Something had to be seriously wrong.

"Niichan...Yuki called earlier and I couldn't take it by myself..." CB sat up, fully awake now. Shuichi, something had happened to Shuichi. CB didn't understand what was going on but she let her friend cry some more before she sensed she had calmed down a little bit and asked what was wrong. "Niichan's...dead." Maiko was immediately sobbing again and CB couldn't stop her own tears from flowing the second the words reached her ears.

Dead.

Shuichi.

The same Shuichi who was supposed to take her out to dinner next week. The one who begged her for hours for her tickets, making a complete fool of himself purposely, making her laugh and care. That Shuichi.

He wasn't allowed to die.

"I'm sorry for waking you up like this, but..."

"It's okay," CB interrupted her friend as she started apologizing, she understood. Her parents had died when she was five and there was nothing she'd wanted more than to have someone listen to her sorrows. She hadn't had anyone to do that for her, but she could certainly do it for her friend.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was hours later when Maiko had finally worn herself out enough to break their conversation. CB hung the phone up numbly, wiping away at her own tears. Crying was something she had no difficulty with, and this news had been no different.

Climbing back into bed she tried her hardest not think about it. That would be for tomorrow. She'd promise Maiko she'd come over, so it was best to let herself sleep that night and think about the problems of reality later. This was the reason she'd secluded herself off from reality.

She slammed her fist against her pillow in frustration as her phone rang again, reaching over to pick it up.

“Hello?” she inquired, still too awake for that hour of the morning.

“Is this Crazy Beetch?” CB rolled her eyes, no one ever wanted to pronounce her last name right for fear of insulting her. Too bad the last name was an insult.

“Bitch. Yes, I’m her,” she corrected politely, wanting to know for what reason they called her that early in the morning.

“We’re calling you regarding a slight problem with your sister.” CB blinked a couple times, sitting up.

“Sarah? Or Jamie?” she asked, knowing both of them were probably still asleep at this hour. She also knew quite well that neither of them were trouble makers.

“Psycho Bitch. Around twelve this morning Shindo Shuichi was murdered outside his apartment, your sister has admitted to the murder. We normally wouldn’t relay this to someone as young as yourself, but seeing as you’re her closest family member…” CB nodded dumbly, more tears finding their way to her eyes. Things just kept on going wrong in her life. A minute ago she hadn’t even remembered having a sister, and now to find out that she was the one who’d killed her friend... “We’re sorry to have to tell you this, it really is quite a situation. Please inform your aunt for us as well,” the stated and CB nodded, hanging up the phone. Everything bad was happening to her.

Standing up and wiping tears from her eyes, only to have them replaced seconds later, CB finally made up her mind. She’d confront everything she now felt she needed t confront.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Yuki tried his hardest to keep himself under control. He’d been standing in the same hallway as the girl for far too long. His mind continuing to formulate new ways to kill her. He could almost feel the cool metal of the gun against his fingers, the sound as the bullet cut through the air, the wonderfully delicious sight of her blood being spilt. To be rid of her would…No! Yuki scolded himself, slowly loosing his mind. It had been a long time since the girl had last spoken, and Yuki had found out that after crying for a while, nothing would come out.

He’d collapsed on the floor next to Shuichi, and had tried so many times to wake himself up, eventually giving into the fact that this was reality. Psy had simply watched him the entire time, making things even worse. After he’d finally stopped crying he’d gathered himself enough to hate the girl, the girl that continued to stare at him, aggravate him. He wouldn’t be able to stand the girl’s presence much longer.

“You could at least acknowledge I exist,” she stated coldly, breaking the silence and Yuki’s control. His fingers found the gun subconsciously and he aimed it at her, tears finding their way to his eyes again. “Yuki…” she tried her hardest to back up further against the wall, staring at him fearfully. The hate and pain in his eyes scared her, he wasn’t Yuki anymore.

“Acknowledging you’re here only means acknowledging the fact that I’ve let you live far too long for what you’ve done to Shuichi!” he screamed forcefully and Psy screamed, tears streaming down her face. She’d never been so scared of anyone in her life.

“I’m sorry,” she apologized in a whisper, finding it difficult to speak under Yuki’s gaze.

“Tell that to him then! Sorry isn’t going to get you anywhere with me!” he screamed, fingers tightening on the trigger.

“Yuki!!!” Yuki turned his attention from the girl in front of him to the girl who had just appeared. She shoved herself between Psy and Yuki and pushed his arms away, staring at Psy blankly. Psy stared back at her as well, confusion slowly covering her fear. “So…you’re my big sister?” she asked and Psy nodded slowly. A soft noise behind them make them both look to Yuki, who had dropped the gun, having regained his senses once again. Psy turned to her sister, confused.

“Crazy, what are you doing here?” Psy asked, sitting up slightly. She was more than surprised as she felt the hard slap against her cheek. She stared at challenging, hurt ice-blue eyes.

“You never talk to me in my life and then you kill my friend! I never want to see you again! Sarah might want to but I don’t!” she screamed, tears falling from her eyes. She turned and caught sight of Shuichi as the police grabbed Psy from the floor, picking her up harshly. “Took them long enough…” CB commented dryly as she stared at Shuichi. She hadn’t wanted to believe it.

She turned to face Yuki as a small sobbing noise caught her attention and dropped down next to him, crying harder as she realized she wouldn’t be able to help him. Both ignored the rest of the scene around them as they cried.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Ryuichi sat on the edge of his bed, kicking his feet happily as he tried to think of something to do. He didn’t have to go to the studio, and both he and Kumagoro had already run out of things to do. He vaguely remembered getting a call earlier that morning, but decided against answering it, then its mystery would be gone.

“I know!” he exclaimed happily, gripping Kumagoro’s hand tightly and hopping off his bed. “Let’s go see Shuichi! Maybe we can make him feel better!” he cheered, running over to the door and heading for Shuichi’s house, humming to himself happily. His humming stopped as he caught sight of the people’s faces. They all looked so sad, and they were all just standing there. He turned to see what was so interesting, staring at the TV screen without any interest. He didn’t like news, it put him to sleep. He was about to head back on his way when something caught his attention

“…the murderer, Psycho Bitch, had turned herself in only a short while after the murder had taken place. Yuki Eiri, romance novelist and Shindo-san’s lover, has refused to talk to anyone since…” Ryuichi removed his finger from the power button as soon as the sound died out, staring at the people watching through the glass challengingly, tears already marking his cheeks.

He walked out of the store slowly, ignoring the whining of the people behind him as he left. His eyes had lost their sparkle and innocence again, and he decided that perhaps going to Shuichi’s wasn’t the best of ideas.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Yuki continued to stare at the wall above the TV blankly as one of Shuichi’s concerts played on the TV, words barely reaching his sorrow filled mind. He’d sat there like that ever since the night before, sliding in and out of tormented dreams. Tears fell from his eyes in steady streams, whether he was awake or not.

At first he ignored the knocking on his door, hoping they’d go away if he made them stand out there too long. However, after ten minutes of this game Yuki was pissed enough to answer the door, glaring at the person outside through the crack between the door and the lock. He was more than a little surprised at who was standing there, he’d been more expecting Tohma or his sister. Even more so was he surprised by the boy’s silence and serious expression, dried tears staining his face.

Ryuichi Sakuma.

An older Shuichi…

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

CB woke up again with tears staining her face. She’d walked home after the ordeal, leaving Yuki crying behind her. She’d wanted to help him, but something inside told her that there was nothing she could do. So instead of helping she’d run. She hadn’t even had to courage to call and tell Maiko that she wasn’t going to go over and help her. Yuki needed help now…she needed help now, but there was no one there to offer it.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

“Go away,” Yuki demanded angrily and Ryuichi simply stood there, staring at him determinedly. That pissed Yuki off even more, making him slam the door shut on the older singer, surprised when his door didn’t close, glancing down at where Ryuichi’d slammed his foot between the crack. Dammit! “Go away now! I don’t want to deal with you!” Ryuichi was almost immediately childish again, trying his hardest to keep the door between them open. If he wasn’t getting inside he could at least talk to him through the crack.

“But! I want to help Yuki!” he screamed as Yuki managed to push a majority of his foot out of the door space. Yuki couldn’t help but freeze as Ryuichi screamed, the familiarity of the scene hitting him.

“I’m not joking! What are you thinking you little brat?”

“But. I want to be with Yuki!”

However, unlike Shuichi Ryuichi simply fell back on his butt as Yuki let go of the door, whining a little in pain and picking up Kumagoro, brushing him off and asking if he was alright. Yuki watched as Ryuichi gathered himself again. Even like that he didn’t seem to hold his energetic air as well as he had before.

“Ryuichi and Kumagoro thought Yuki-san might need some help, too,” he stated childishly and Yuki sighed, walking away from the doorway, leaving it open for Ryuichi to follow through. The dull click of the door was acknowledgement enough that Ryuichi had done so.

“Yuki-san doesn’t need help,” he stated coldly, sitting down on the couch again and staring at the concert again. “What I need is an ending,” he said to himself softly and the words were lost on Ryuichi, who was watching the concert on Yuki’s TV with a bright shine in his eyes, not quite happy. Tears ran down both of their faces as they continued to watch it and Yuki had the sudden urge to hit something. He didn’t want to deal with this.

“Shuichi really shone on stage, huh?” Ryuichi asked suddenly, looking over his shoulder at Yuki. He looked like a total wreck, yet in a way it made him somewhat attractive. Ryuichi could almost see why Shuichi had liked him. That kind of surprised him, and he hated himself for it. His friend had just died and he was falling for his boyfriend? It wasn’t right. Besides, Ryuichi had always liked dark-hair better. And the last thing stopping him from Yuki was his personality. He had heard stories about how mean he was and wasn’t surprised when he’d been so rude earlier. He’d half- expected it.

“He always shone,” Yuki managed softly, wishing the tears would stop, give him a minute to reorganize himself. That didn’t happen, however, and he let them flow freely. He didn’t care if they made him week, he’d rather be week and care than to not care again.

“So’d you,” Ryuichi countered, smiling sadly at him. “You could have tied him up and threw him in a trashcan and he’d probably still continue on about how great you were. He tried to make us think you were perfect. I believed him most times,” Ryuichi stated, smile forming slightly larger as he remembered all the times Shuichi had started rambling on about Yuki when they were playing around together. When he was happy it was one of the best things in the world, and Yuki always played some sort of a part in his happiness.

“Never reached the status of a God, though,” Yuki stated as he scooted a little box towards Ryuichi with his foot. “I could hardly get him to shut up about you,” Yuki commented. He had to admit, for all the pain remembering Shuichi took, it also made him feel better. He couldn’t figure out why.

Ryuichi dropped down next to the box and smiled to himself as he went through the things inside, mostly concert videos of his and stuff he’d given him…ALL Nittle Grasper concerts and stuff from him. “He wasted his candy, Kumagoro,” he commented childishly, looking over at Yuki as he said it, yet going unnoticed by the writer. Ryuichi smiled brightly as he noticed the small smile on Yuki’s face, even through the tears. He’d doubted his ability to help Yuki almost as soon as he’d seen him, but now he was sure he could help at least a little bit. Shuichi was right. He does look cute when he smiles, he allowed himself, continuing to search through the box.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Ryuichi sighed as he closed the door to his apartment behind him, flipping on the lights. He wiped the remains of tears from his narrow eyes and sniffed a couple times before finally clearing his head again. He’d spent a majority of the day helping Yuki out, and he’d only stop crying when he’d run out of tears. He was honestly surprised that Yuki never seemed to run out, always crying. Even when he laughed.

I don’t understand him… Ryuichi thought as he sat down on his couch, tilting his head back and closing his eyes to suppress the loneliness he’d gone through that day. You don’t want to understand him, he answered himself and he had to agree. Yuki always seemed so unhappy, except for when he remembered being with Shuichi. Ryuichi was willing to bet Yuki had been happy when he was with Shuichi…and only when he was with Shuichi. Wonder if he’s happy hanging around with you, he asked and Ryuichi shook his head. Liking someone and loving someone were two different things. Yet he looked at you like you were a God to him, too.

He glanced over at his bedroom, finally noticing he’d left the light on since that morning. It wasn’t like him to be that forgetful. He may have been childish but he wasn’t all that stupid. He toyed with the idea of going to sleep, since he was heading there anyway, even though he was sure all he’d dream would be nightmares. He smiled as he opened the door slightly, setting Kumagoro on the desk next to his door.

“Hi,” he greeted, leaning against the doorframe and crossing his arms. He laughed as Tatsuha fell off his bed, trying to turn around to fast. “Been here long?” he asked as Tatsuha got up, blushing slightly and trying to regain his dignity. He shook his head and glanced at his watch.

“Not at all. Only five hours,” he commented and Ryuichi rolled his eyes, continuing to watch him from the doorway. “You know, you don’t look very…youish…at the moment,” Tatsuha commented offhandedly and Ryuichi blinked a couple times before looking down at himself.

“Why not? I may be strange but I don’t always feel like using my extra energy by bouncing around like a six-year-old on a sugar high,” Tatsuha raised an eyebrow questioningly before walking over to Ryuichi and wrapping an arm around his waist, looking serious. “I already heard,” Ryuichi stated before Tatsuha could mention it again and he simply nodded. “That the only reason you’re here?” Ryuichi asked, a sly smile working its way onto his face.

“You know me better than that,” Tatsuha commented and Ryuichi nodded, leaning forward to kiss him as he turned Kumagoro around.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Yuki walked around his house aimlessly after Ryuichi had left, afraid to touch anything. It seemed like everything in his house contained its own little memory of Shuichi, and for once in such a big house Yuki felt trapped. Not one corner of his house was safe from the memories, but there was one area he had been able to deal with already. The couch.

Clutching Shuichi’s pillow to him tightly Yuki closed his eyes, imagining holding Shuichi again. He missed it, all of it. He wasn’t sure how long he’d be able to last without Shuichi. Probably as long as a person could go without food. His tears dropped to the fabric, staining areas dark blue. He blinked as something fell into his lap, solid and square.

Picking it up he realized it was a book, a simple read journal to be precise. Flipping it open to the first page he pulled out the pictures he found tucked inside, flipping through them. Pictures of Shuichi and himself, some of just him. A few of just Shuichi, and a couple of his family. It was then that he realized the other pictures and the envelope by his feet, obviously spilled from the book.

Drying his eyes he picked them up, opening the envelope carefully and pulling out what was inside. Mostly boring little articles. Articles he never bothered reading. Articles about his books and awards he’d won mostly. He admired the last article in the envelope with curiosity, little pink hearts drawn all over it. He watched as tears landed on the paper, smearing the perfect text. It was the article posted in the newspaper after he’d confessed his relationship with Shuichi. It meant a lot more to him than you’d thought, didn’t it?

He slid the articles back in their envelope and dropped the pictures on the table, keeping the ones of Shuichi next to him. He flipped through the book slowly, reading small bits and pieces. It was like a diary, daily accounts of Shuichi’s life and emotions. Songs, poems, and pictures decorated it, giving it a happy feeling for most pages, yet Yuki immediately noticed the empty pages, reading the words carefully.

***I know it’s early for me to write but I can’t help it, I feel so horrible. It’s been a while since my run in with Aizawa and I’d almost forgotten about it (isn’t that great?) but he tried to hurt Yuki…my Yuki! I was so worried about him. He’s not as cold as he makes everyone think, I know now. And I know he cares, if at least a little.

He cried today, it’s the first time I’ve ever seen him look so hurt before. He cried because of me. I don’t want to make Yuki sad, I don’t want to hurt him anymore. A couple days ago I would have begged to see him cry, but now that I’ve seen it I know I don’t. At least he’s still as cute when he cries, but if he’s cute anyways why bother to make him sad, right?***

Yuki’s tears made the ink on the paper smear, blurring the words thankfully. He didn’t know why he’d had to read that particular entry. He closed the book and set down on top of the pictures, burying his face in his hands and full-out crying again. Maybe if he finally got some good sleep he’d snap out of it and wake up to find Shuichi with him again. Than again, maybe he’d just be more aware of the fact that Shuichi was gone.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Ryuichi smiled as he opened his eyes slowly, glancing at Tatsuha’s face. Shuichi was right, the Uesugi brothers certainly did have adorable sleeping faces. At least Tatsuha did. He was now POSITIVE he liked men over women, dark-hair over light, and Tatsuha over Yuki…Tatsuha over anybody.

He stretched slightly and glanced at the clock. It was one in the morning and he was awake. He frowned at the thought. He closed his eyes again and wrapped his arms around Tatsuha, deciding he’d go back to sleep instead of running around his house aimlessly for hours. Besides, he’d found himself a way to get rid of the nightmares.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Yuki cursed as he woke up to the sunlight shining on his face, his cheeks burning with tears he’d shed while he’d slept. He walked to the bathroom and ran his hands under the cold water, running them over his cheeks. They still burned, and he cursed himself for letting Shuichi become so much of him. He could only swear again as he heard a faint knocking on the door, drying his face off and walking to answer it, glaring at the people he saw on the other side. Just the people he didn’t want to talk to.

Mika and Tohma.

“What do you want?” he demanded, his own foot already slid between the crack in case they wanted to try Ryuichi’s trick from the day before. Shuichi’s trick from a long time ago.

“We wanted to see how you were doing, and obviously the answer is not very well,” Mika stated and Yuki glared at her. “Tatsuha was supposed to check up on you yesterday, but…”

“He got a little side-tracked,” Tohma finished for her and Yuki couldn’t help but hate them in that moment. A whole days worth of crying for him ended up as nothing more than sending someone to check on him. It was always about him, it had always been about him. That was the reason he had lost Shuichi in the first place.

He slammed the door in their faces and locked it behind him, thankful that they hadn’t reduced themselves to screaming at him through the doorway. He’d probably snap if he had to listen to them anymore. He walked away from the door, listening to the dead quiet they had both provided for him, the one thing he’d always asked for but the one thing he hated now more than anything. Silence didn’t go very well with Shindo Shuichi. It never had.

He glanced over at his laptop, resisting his sudden urge to throw it across the room and watch it smash into a thousand different pieces. He was somewhat surprised at how violent he had become suddenly and left his living room, knowing if he didn't get away soon he damn well would through the hell machine. The many times he'd chosen that damn laptop over Shuichi were enough to make him sick. Shuichi had never asked for anything more than his attention, writing him songs and buying him things, yet Yuki ignored it all. All the damn laptop had to do was show a little blinking cursor and Yuki couldn't tear himself away.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Do you think it was a good idea to leave? Eiri doesn't look too good," Mika inquired as they both stepped into her car, giving Tohma a worried glance. She was honestly concerned for her brother, he hadn't looked like he was really doing much to keep himself alive. He didn't look like he wanted to keep himself alive.

"Eiri-san can take care of himself," Tohma commented quietly. "Besides, I'm pretty sure he already has someone helping him through this," he finished and Mika decided to let Tohma go through with whatever it was he had planned. She could only hope that this incident wouldn't be enough for them to loose Yuki. Yuki may have found it hard to believe but they had both been upset over Shuichi's death as well. At least she had been, Mika had spent enough time with the boy to know that he didn't deserve to die. She didn't want the same thing to happen to her brother.

"I hope you're right," she commented as she started the car.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Yuki was eternally thankful as he stepped out of his room, wearing a simple outfit and thinking of something he could do to keep his mind of Shuichi. His face had stopped burning after his shower, the cool water helping his burning skin. He had found out before that that he'd cried all his tears the day before, leaving him feeling empty and alone. Even more so than before.

His mind drifted back to his laptop as he walked into his living room, an idea for a book formulating in his mind. He would have started right away if it wasn’t for the soft knocking at his doorway. He ran his fingers through his hair and started his laptop before heading to the door, opening it fully and glaring at the two girls who stood outside. If they were fans trying to gain comfort it wasn’t happening. He recognized the one with the teal hair, and he was sure he’d seen the brunette somewhere before, he just didn’t know where.

“What are you doing here?” he demanded of CB and she glared at him levelly. She wasn’t going to back down just because Yuki was being a jerk. Yuki was always being a jerk.

“Trying to help my friend, is that too much?” she snapped back and Yuki sighed, he normally wouldn’t have let any of these people into his house, but he wasn’t thinking as clearly as he normally did. He once again found himself stepping out of the doorway so they could walk inside. He closed the door behind him and the brunette was almost sobbing immediately.

Yuki tried his hardest to ignore the two girls, walking over to his laptop and opening up a blank screen. He couldn’t seem to write with them there, however, and instead he simply sat back and watched them.

“Would anybody mind giving introductions?” Yuki asked and CB looked up at him, clearly confused. “Well? It is my house and I do deserve to know her name,” he stated and CB looked over at her friend, who was currently glancing at the pictures Yuki had found in Shuichi’s journal.

The girl held up a picture she’d found and showed it to Yuki. “I’m Maiko,” she introduced and Yuki remembered her. Shuichi’s little sister. She’d been over once before, when Yuki was out for the most part. He’d only got rare glimpses of her, and he hadn’t really cared. “I was going to come up in another week,” she stated more to herself than Yuki, pictures sliding out from between her fingers. “I hadn’t gotten to see you in so long,” Yuki sighed and watched the girl next to him cry, feeling completely unable to do anything about it. That figured. He was always incapable when it came to helping others.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Tatsuha was the first of the two to wake up later that day, a little surprised by the fact. Normally Ryuichi was up before he was. He blinked a couple times as he caught sight of the tears on Ryuichi’s face, wiping them from his face gently. Ryuichi smiled slightly and his eyes fluttered open, wide and innocent.

"Hiya Tatsuha!" he cheered happily and Tatsuha smiled at him.

"Hiya!" he greeted just as enthusiastically and Ryuichi laughed, hugging him tightly. When Tatsuha was around he always seemed to find himself a replacement for Kumagoro.

“So, what do you want to do today?” Ryuichi asked happily, something in the back of his mind screaming at him for being so happy. It just didn’t seem right. Tatsuha shrugged and kissed him softly, making Ryuichi giggle slightly. He didn’t know why, it just did.

They both frowned as the phone rang and Ryuichi leaned over Tatsuha to answer it.

“Hello?” he greeted happily, listening intently to the person on the other end, his face loosing his childlike innocence in a second. He nodded a couple times and made slight sounds of acknowledgement. “Of course I’ll help,” he stated, smiling brightly. “Yeah, you want me to take him with me?” Ryuichi asked before nodding once more. “Okay!…No problem! I want to help!” he stated enthusiastically before hanging up the phone, turning saddened eyes to Tatsuha.

“You want to help me?” he asked, wiping at the tears that were hanging in the corner of his eyes annoyingly. He remembered now why he thought it was bad to be so happy…Shuichi. Not to mention poor Yuki.

“With what?” Tatsuha asked as he sat up, a little worried by Ryuichi’s sudden change.

“Yuki wants me to help him with a new book idea he got.” Tatsuha glared at nothing in particular. His brother was always working on his books. Didn’t he care that Shuichi was gone at all?

Ryuichi noticed the look on Tatsuha’s face and smiled, resting his hands on his shoulders. “He’s writing a tribute to Shuichi, and he wanted me to help him. I’ve been helping him deal with it. That’s why I was out yesterday,” Ryuichi explained and Tatsuha’s face softened considerably.

“Alright, but don’t be surprised if he kicks me out. I have a way of getting on his nerves,” he explained and Ryuichi laughed, standing up quickly and offering Tatsuha a hand.

“Me and Kumagoro won’t let him kick you out!” he cheered defiantly as Tatsuha stood up with his help and he ran off to get ready.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Yuki sighed as he hung up the phone, running fingers through his hair. Maiko and CB had only just left when he’d grabbed the number Ryuichi had given him the day before and called him. He was kind of surprised at the speed in which he dialed the number, the way he’d frantically searched for it. He pushed any unwanted thoughts out of the way, he was only in such a rush because he wanted to write this novel more than anything, but he couldn’t deal with it by himself. Besides, every good author needed more than one view on a subject. Tatsuha and Ryuichi might not only help him deal, but he knew both of them had memories of Shuichi that he didn’t…at least not yet.

That was it, right?

Yuki picked up the journal next to him and flipped through it quickly again. He’d been fighting himself for hours over whether he should read it or not. It was Shuichi’s personal item, but he wanted to know so much more about the boy. His thoughts, his life, everything. He was also hoping Ryuichi would be able to make that decision for him. He typed a few words on his computer, writing down whatever came to his mind. Mostly a long string of ‘Shuichi’ and ‘can’t wait.’ He honestly couldn’t figure out what his mind was telling him with his last couple of sentences, and he deleted the whole thing almost as soon as he’d written it, only giving himself time to read over it.

He didn’t bother to get up and answer the door, knowing that Tatsuha had a key. He really didn’t feel like dealing with any more unwanted visitors that day, he’d had his fair share. He sighed again and ran fingers through his hair, staring up at the ceiling as if he found it particularly interesting.

He didn’t, of course.

Yuki glanced over as he heard the door open and close, wishing desperately for something to rid him of his headache. He’d dealt with it so long he couldn’t even begin to imagine when it had started, and not even painkillers were making it go away.

“Yuki-san,” Ryuichi stated quietly, walking over to poke him childishly. Yuki sat up fully as Ryuichi poked him and smiled at him appreciatively. He couldn’t begin to explain why he’d opened up to Ryuichi, or why he had called the boy. Personally he was afraid of the answer he’d come up with. Ryuichi smiled back at him happily, sitting down on the couch next to him and staring at the blank computer screen, unaware of his thoughts. Tatsuha sat down next to Ryuichi, careful to keep his mouth shut. He always managed to say something to irritate Yuki so he had decided on the way there that he wouldn’t talk unless Yuki or Ryuichi told him to. “What’s this?” Ryuichi asked as he picked up the book he’d accidentally sat on, flipping open the cover and pulling out the pictures inside. He flipped through them quickly before setting them next to Yuki’s laptop tenderly.

“Shuichi’s journal,” Yuki answered and Ryuichi’s eyes lit up. Yuki was highly surprised at just how much he and Shuichi had in common, he hadn’t noticed it so well the day before. He hardly remembered anything he’d done the day before.

“Really?” he asked, flipping open the first page and wincing as he caught sight of the pretty little Japanese text on the page. Reading printed Japanese was hard enough for him, let alone someone else’s handwriting. “Did you read it?” Ryuichi asked, looking serious again.

“No. I didn’t think it was right,” Yuki answered and Ryuichi nodded, shoving the book into Yuki’s hands. Yuki was also surprised at the somewhat pleasant tingle when Ryuichi’s fingers brushed against his lightly. He had to wonder what kind of power Ryuichi had to break through him as easily as he had Don’t be stupid, he’s like a living Shuichi. Only difference is a couple years. Yuki shook his head to clear it, he didn’t want to think about Ryuichi like that. Then why else do you already like him? Yuki once again tried to shut out the voices in his head. He didn’t like Ryuichi, he refused to like Ryuichi. Doing that would hurt more than one person, himself included.

But Ryuichi was smiling up at him, and for some reason everything seemed alright. He’s like an angel, trying to help you after loosing yours. He sure looks like one, doesn’t he? Yes, Ryuichi did look like an angel, but Yuki wouldn’t admit it to himself. Ryuichi was only trying to help because he thought it would make Shuichi happy. He wondered if Shuichi was going through what he was. Ryuichi’s your guardian angel now. Now that Shuichi and Kitazawa are gone. Yuki decided to ignore that thought in favor of what Ryuichi was about to say.

“It isn’t right but I know Shuichi would have wanted you to read it anyway! Shuichi wanted to share everything with you,” he explained, eyes shining and tears hanging in the corner of his eyes. Yuki nodded once, wishing the tears would come again and wipe away his guilt, but as had become normal they wouldn’t come. He flipped to the first page himself and began reading, Ryuichi and Tatsuha watching, ready to back him up if he needed it.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

~Six months later~

“...and the newest book by Yuki Eiri, ‘Loosing Love,’ is by far one of the most touching we’ve had the pleasure of coming across. Selling more than any of his other books had be…” Ryuichi flipped off the TV with a fierce determination before leaning back again, staring at the blank screen like it was something interesting. Tatsuha couldn’t help but blink as he watched tears fall from Ryuichi’s face steadily and he reached out to comfort him.

“What’s wrong?” he asked as Ryuichi turned to look at him, tears streaming down his face non-stop, looking both upset and angry. Yuki had disappeared again a couple weeks before and no one had been the same since. Sure, he’d vanished a hundred times before, but they all had the nagging feeling that Yuki wasn’t going to come back this time. After a week they had all stopped talking about it. Tohma was out looking for him even as they spoke.

“Why is it that every time I’ve almost forgotten about something they bring it back up?” he asked. He had almost managed to get his life back on track when Yuki’s book had come out and the news was all over it. He wasn’t surprised Yuki had left, with all the attention they’d direct him over Shuichi. It definitely wasn’t worth it.

“Because that’s when everyone else will forget and by making them remember they make news.” Ryuichi clung to Tatsuha like a child, Kumagoro pressed between them. “People are real assholes,” he stated and Ryuichi nodded, closing his eyes and letting the tears slide down his cheeks unopposed.

“I hope Yuki’s alright. He was so nice to me,” Ryuichi stated and Tatsuha nodded, holding him tighter. Ryuichi had spent every waking hour since Shuichi’s death at Yuki’s place, making Tatsuha just a tad bit jealous of his brother. He’d even slept over at his big brother’s house on occasion and had once come home with a disturbing story.

Yuki Eiri had kissed him.

And Ryuichi hadn’t minded.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

“Eiri-san, please think this through,” Tohma pleaded the younger blonde, almost desperate. He was too afraid to go any closer to him, he wasn’t Eiri-san anymore. His eyes were hollow and lifeless. It scared him, to see Yuki that way.

“I have,” he stated emotionlessly, fingers tracing over the light edge of the book in his lap. The small red book he’d used to help him write his story. His best selling story.

His last story.

“Eiri-san, please. Think of what you’ll be doing to all of us. How do you think we’ll take loosing both you and Shindo-san. Think about it Eiri- san,” Tohma tried to reason, inching forward as much as he dared. Yuki’s sudden movement made him stop though, his eyes firmly locked on him, yet not really locked on anything.

“I promised him I’d wait, but I didn’t think it would hurt so much. And I know I didn’t keep my promise, I started to love someone again, I know I can never love them as much as Shuichi, but falling in love again didn’t seem right...Besides, they had someone else. Shuichi’s all I ever had and all I ever want,” Yuki tried to explain, tears pouring from his soulless eyes. “I can’t wait any longer, Tohma. I’m sorry,” He had run back to the apartment where he’d killed Kitazawa-sensei, the apartment where he had tried to take his life before. The apartment he would take his life in now.

“Eiri-san!” Tohma screamed, running to his side as a single gunshot rang through the air. Holding the younger man tightly he cried, the way Yuki had before. They were only the first tears of many tears that would be shed for the loss of the novelist, only a vague few of those being from among his shortly-lived friends.

I guess now it’s my turn to find you…

~*~*~*~*~

FINISH CHAPTER TWO!!!

Oh am I glad I got that out of the way! There will be ONE MORE chapter after this, I think. I can only hope that I get around to writing it (with the way I wrote this one I’m pretty sure I will). PLEASE tell me what you thought, I need the reviews! They’re probably the only reason I finished this part in the first place. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!!!

NOTE:

I went through and rewrote this because this is the way I wanted it in the first place. I only posted it how it was before because I wanted it out of my hair, but I grew too attached to it to leave it unfinished like that. I’ll probably do some updates on chapter 3 after this. I’d been toying with the idea of Ryuichi and Yuki getting together and that’s why I made Yuki die, because I didn’t want him to go through the pain of falling in love yet again (plus, I really like the TatsuhaxRyuichi pairing).