THIS IS ANGST>>> heh heh, can't say i din't warn yah. anyways, please don't kill me 'til you finish the fic. it's not like what your thinking! ::pouts in defense:: so please, spare my life and finish the fic first, ne? actually, i just watched gravi oav and well, it inspired me to write this. i'm sorry if it's badly written though, i'm a newbie in this field.

spoilers? hmmn.. none actually.. meaning i just invented everything and that i didn't base this on the anime or oav (er, maybe some parts, but just sukoshi ^.^). i just got so twisted and the cruel part of me practically screamed for me to write this. oh, and if in any case this fic resembles another, i really didn't intend that. i'm not the one to steal others' ideas, so that's probably by chance, ne? ^.^!!

this is YAOI of course. yukiXshuuichi <as promised!> *^____^*

disclaimer: if they're mine i'd let yuki write the fics for me.. ohoho lemons to be exact ^.~!

*_*, _ _ - emphasis

/__/ - thoughts

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::Another Chance::

by silvercross

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Takatak tak tak.

/Ch-/

Takatak tak takatak.

/..../

Takatakatak tak.

/Shit. I've been through this for days and still no friggin' progress. Damn these slumps.../ Yuki cursed inwardly as he left his working table to get another can of beer.

He was trying so hard these past few days and still couldn't get it right. Before, the words would just flow freely, like a flood gate opened. But now, it's as if there's a nagging feeling in the back of his head -- something he couldn't quite get his finger on. Something, was obstructing him from thinking clearly. An ill feeling, perhaps.. as if a tragic thing was about to impend on him.

He grunted as he walked down the hall towards the kitchen. He needed to get drunk, and maybe it'll set his mind running again. Groping in the dark, he opened the refrigerator door. His eyes squinted slightly as faint light crept from inside, blinding him momentarily. He started to grab one can at first then decided to take two, shutting the door immediately as he got what he needed.

He settled one of the cans on top of his desk beside the four he drank earlier. The other he opened lazily as he slammed himself on a nearby sofa. Golden eyes stared absently at the ceiling and one hand fumbled for a pack of cigarettes. He lit one and inhaled it deeply, letting himself drown in the pool of smoke.

He felt his mind spinning -- the beginnings of a headache somewhat forming in his head already. He stirred a little from his position and faced the nearby window. It was only seven in the evening and yet he felt as if dawn was near. He could see the dark sky, slightly tinted with sick red/sick yellow glow from the moon's light. He was waiting for him and knew why, but kept denying it.

/Shuuichi.... why isn't that idiot here yet?/ he thought, as he drank heedlessly from his can.

/He was supposed to arrive today from the tour... but he didn't exactly say what time he'll be coming.../

His thoughts were swimming in his head now, partly because of the alcohol, and partly because of his now growing headache. He felt so tired that his eyes were begging for sleep. He slammed the half-burnt stick on the ashtray as the empty can slipped from his other hand. His eyes were slowly shutting themselves close, his breathing deepened just before it became even. Finally, the faint sounds of the night cradled him to sleep.

 

**~**~**~**~**~**~**

 

"Tadaima!" The loud, tenor voice echoed Yuki's apartment as the door was slammed shut. The wooden floor creaked slightly with each step, along with the continuous screaming of his name. Yuki was awake now, shooking his head slightly as he got up to face the loud boy.

"Tadaima Yuki--"

"Oi! Urusai na!" Yuki cut him off as he marched towards the living room's sofa. He squeezed his eyes shut as he collapsed into it. He rubbed them gently, wincing at the pain it was in.

Ignoring Yuki's harsh greeting, he walked towards were Yuki was sitting and dropped himself beside the older man.

"Ne, Yuki, aren't you happy that I'm here now?! I just got back from the tour and I'm dying to see you!! I've got so much to tell you and--"

/I _am_ dying to see you too but.../ "..Your so loud.." Yuki blurted out, still rubbing his eyes and forehead.

Still ignoring, Shuuichi continued. ".. ne, do you know I visited my parents' house before going here? I just went there to know how they were doing and they told me--"

/He's still the same... babbling like there's no tomorrow.. I can't understand a thing he's saying... god he's so loud... and this headache... god.. and his voice isn't helping either../

"--mom was really sad about it and--"

"Urusai I said!" Yuki growled. For a minute, he was taken aback by his own tone and somewhat regretted it. He *did* miss Shuuichi. He just couldn't bring himself to admit it to him.. or show him that he couldn't function normally during the past few days without the younger man.

He decided to apologize, felt that he needed to. The most important person in his life was now in front of him.. in flesh.. and he was shoving him off like an unwanted intruder. Shuuichi did disturb him from his sleep, but it wasn't an enough excuse to treat him harshly. He was, Shuuichi after all.

As he started, Shuuichi cut him off. This time, the younger man's face was serious, the gleam on his face slowly vanishing. It was something Yuki hadn't quite expected.

Shuuichi was laughing.

He was laughing with a grim expression on his face. He was laughing as tears slowly trickled from his now slightly narrowed eyes. The scene shocked Yuki so much that he was at lost for words.

Still quite confused, he struggled to speak. "S-Shuui-"

Shuuichi cut him off. "Mm-hn-hn... funny Yuki... I never get tired of it..." Shuuichi said in between chortles, despite the pain that was clearly written on his face.

To Yuki, it sounded almost maniacal.

Shuuichi clutched the hem of his shirt tightly as he continued. ".. Hn... I don't know why I even bother. You could've at least pretended that you're happy you know.."

/Wh--/

Shuuichi stopped laughing. Instead, he tightened his fists a bit more and spoke.

"..Fuck... I'm so pathetic... taking all these from you up until now... I was never important to you, ne? Yuki? To you I'm just a mere fuck toy you could use anytime you feel so friggin' lonely, am I right?"

Yuki could only stare at him in shock. He couldn't believe he was hearing those things from Shuuichi. This wasn't the Shuuichi he knew. He was expecting the younger man to be pouting at him with big, watery eyes... begging him to be more kind and gentle. But cursing.. he hadn't seen that coming. Shuuichi never cursed before.. nor said those words he just heard from the younger man. He knew something was definitely wrong. The whole situation seemed alien to him and it confused him even more.

/What?! I-I don't understand.. No.. your mistaken.. no Shuuichi I didn't mean to... Shit!/ Yuki hissed in his mind as he started.

"Shuuichi I-"

"You what Yuki? You're going to tell me you didn't mean that, ne? Tell me Yuki, how many times have you told me that already? I think I've lost count."

He twitched slightly at Shuuichi's harsh tone. He couldn't move, even if the younger man was only inches away from him.

/No, this can't be happening.. please tell me this isn't happening.. Shuuichi.. I don't understand... I'm sorry... I--/ Yuki thought mournfully as he bit back a cry.

It was all too much for Yuki. The familiarity was gone, as if everything became foreign to him. The air was frighteningly cold and he felt like being devoured by it slowly.

His mind was in chaos as the younger man continued.

"Gomen, Yuki.. but I can't put up with this anymore. You told me once you love me.. but can I really believe in that? Come to think of it.. you really tell me nothing other than baka, urusai, dull, and many other stuff you kill me over and over with. Doushite Yuki? Am I really that low that I can't reach your level anymore? Or that I don't even have the *right* to reach it? Do you think of yourself as a god Yuki? And that I'm a mere slave to you? Yeah, maybe I _am_ just your sex slave.. someone who would gratify your personal needs and nothing more...."

Yuki winced at Shuuichi's words. /Wha-- N-NO! You're not like that to me! I didn't think that even once! No! You're mistaken--/ He screamed in his thought. His eyes were wide and his mouth was slightly parted with shock. He couldn't say it out loud... couldn't deny everything Shuuichi accused him of. He knew those weren't true, or perhaps, only a part of it was true. But he _never_, ever thought of Shuuichi as his slave, his sex slave or anything of that sort.

Gathering himself together, he tried to place a hand on Shuuichi's shoulder. He wanted to touch him badly -- to embrace him so tight that Shuuichi would understand him just by that. He wasn't the verbal type of person and Shuuichi knew that too. But perhaps, something in Shuuichi snapped and disillusionment dawned in him -- that the Yuki before him would never be the Yuki he so longed for in his dreams.

And maybe, now was it. Shuuichi couldn't contain it anymore, and he just.. _broke_. Too much pain... too much false hope perhaps, cracked the barrier he tried so hard to put up around him. And another of Yuki's unmindful actions triggered it, finally smashing it to pieces.

Shuuichi flinched at the touch. He stood up and moved away from the older man. Yuki was hurt, no.. he was devastated at Shuuichi's reaction. Everything was a mess. He couldn't help it, his eyes -- as much as he hated it -- were begging for him to let go. Yuki was on the verge of crying and he can feel tears slowly forming at the corner of his eyes, despite his attempts to will them away.

Unaware of Yuki's current state, Shuuichi continued. "You know, that story I was telling you a while ago was one of the most important things in my life right now.. it's about my family.. and you don't even give a fucking damn about it.." He uttered, his back turned against the older man.

Yuki still couldn't voice out his thoughts but in his mind, he was screaming... begging at the younger man. He couldn't say anything not because he has nothing to say. Being the non-verbal type of person that he was, he was more afraid of saying the wrong things that might make the situation a lot worse. And he couldn't deal with that right now. Not when things were like this.

/I-I'm sorry.. I-I didn't hear it.. Please, Shuuichi, understand! PLEASE!/

".. And this wasn't the first time too. Whenever I tell you something, important or not, you always shove me off -- like listening to me wasn't the least bit worth it. You always ignore me too.. like I don't exist. Why Yuki? Does my existence bother you that much? Maybe you should've just killed me, you know.. it would be so much easier for the both of us..."

The last statement angered Yuki a bit. It brought back dark memories about his past.. about the person whom he offered his whole life to and even laid his heart at that person's feet... only to see himself being crushed slowly and painfully by that same person.

The one he loved.

The one he _killed_.

At that, Yuki struggled to speak.

"Now wait just a minute! I don't understand any of this!! I-I neve--"

But he stopped, just as quickly. Yuki was sensitive about the issue, but seeing Shuuichi -- back turned against him, fists clutched tightly -- his anger died down a bit. He could feel Shuuichi slowly drifting away from him and finally... he understood what this was all about -- what everything was all about. And he _regretted_ it. He felt stupid for not even realizing this until now... now that everything seemed too late for him.

He was losing Shuuichi -- the person who brought light back in his dark, woe-filled life.

Shuuichi -- his _light_.

He swallowed his pride. He doesn't want that to happen. No, he wouldn't want to repeat that same mistake. He already lost Kitazawa-sensei back then, and he felt it was his own doing -- that he drove Kitazawa-sensei to it and he just snapped. Now, the past seemed to be repeating itself, and he wouldn't let it happen. Finally taking up his courage, Yuki attempted to apologize to the younger man.

"I'm... I-I'm sorry Shuuichi. I'm such a bastard.. I know.. and, I've cost you a lot of pain and--"

But Shuuichi didn't give him time to explain further.

"_NO_ Yuki.. NO... don't worry your sorry little ass about it. After all, I'm just a fucking slave to you ne? But I won't let you fuck me up anymore.. using me and then leaving me like dirt. This time.... _I'm_ the one who's gonna leave.."

/WHAT?! NO! Please NO! Wait I--/

"..I'll leave you... in your own ego-fucking-tistic world..." Shuuichi declared as he marched towards the apartment's door. Yuki remained imobile, as if gravity was pulling him further down the ground. His mouth was dry and his head still hurt, but it couldn't compare with the pain his heart was in.

/Just say it goddamit! Stop him! J-Just stop him please.. move.. do something...if he means so much to you.. NO, please Shuuichi don't go.. wait.. please../

"...goodbye, *Eiri-san*..."

As if on cue, the apartment's door slammed shut.

Shuuichi was gone.

His _light_ was gone.

Before, he would be more than happy to get rid of the loud boy. He would miss him, but he thought Shuuichi would always come back to him anyways, so he didn't bother.

But this was different.

When Shuuichi left, everything became dark again, like the life he used to live.. the rotten memories that kept tormenting him. The warmth was gone, and all that's left was him.. and the apartment that used to be his _home_. It *was* a home then, but now, it felt like a hollow edifice and nothing more.

He clutched at his heart tightly, and let the tears he had been holding back flow freely from his eyes.

 

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tsuduku...

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waah.. it was horrible wasn't it? shucks... i don't know if i got their characters right... dou datta, minna? gomen ne, this is my first yukiXshu-chan fic so please take it easy on me.. demo, kondo, atashi wa ganbarimasu! yakusoku yo!