Disclaimer: Once again into the twist mass that is my brain. Sigh! I wish my brain came up with the idea of Harry Potter but it didn't so I can't make any money off of this fanfic. Bummer.

Bad Author Note: Sorry about the delay but Snapes was being a prick. He kept asking what his motivation was or he would throw a temper tantrum over the scrip. Then add in "MOMMY!!!" from my 5 yr. old son ever five minutes and you’ll understand why this was late.

Snapes versus the Dursley

No contest!

By Lady FoxFire

Jan 21, 2002

As the sun rose higher in to the sky over the house that sits at number four, Privet Drive the sound of a hippopotamus could be heard barreling through the house. "DAD! IT'S GONE!" Dudley shouted as he ran as fast as his fat little legs could carry him.

"What do you mean it's gone?" Vernon bellowed as he slammed him morning paper down on the table.

Dudley backed away nervously from his father. "It… it's gone, Dad," he stuttered. "I went upstairs to its room to play with it and it was gone."

Dudley quickly tried to flatten himself against the wall as his father marched out of the kitchen and stormed up the stairs. At the smallest bedroom, Vernon slammed opened the door with so much force that the house rang with the sound of the door crashing into the wall. The sound of furniture being overturned and doors being slammed could be heard coming from the small room.

When Vernon came out of the room his face was almost purple with rage. "Search the house. Everyplace. We'll teach it a lesson when we find it," he snarled to his wife and son.

"Do you think it made it to those freaks?" Petunia asked as she wrung a dishtowel in her hands. "If those freaks find out…"

"SHUT UP WOMAN!" Vernon snapped. "Start searching. It couldn’t have gotten far. And we still have it's pet to keep it in line."

The family began to search the house. Vernon took the upstairs. The sound of beds being moved and of door being thrown open rang in the house. Downstairs, Petunia started with the cupboard under the stairs and the living room. Meanwhile Dudley went for the kitchen and any extra food he could stuff into his piggy face.

The Dursley were brought out of the search of their house by a knock at the door. Each of them crept from the area they were searching to stare at the door. Vernon licked his lips nervously as he came slowly walked down the stair, staring at the door the same time.

Another knock rang with the quiet house, and Petunia nudged her husbands towards the door. He turned his head and gave her an evil glare before facing the evil that lay outside his home. Vernon opened the door slowly afraid of what he might face outside. Was it the police, those freaks, or, God forbid, his nephew's godfather?

Vernon let out a shaking sigh of relief as he discovered what he was dreading was just a male and female team of door-to-door salesmen. Both were dressed in simple black dress shirts and slacks. The woman had her salt and pepper hair pulled back into a long braid while the man had his black hair tie in a ponytail. "Whatever you're trying to sell or preach, we don't want any," Vernon growled at them before slamming the door shut in their faces.

The woman stared at the door in surprise. "Well, that was unexpected," the woman said as she raised her fist and knocked on the door again.

The door swung open suddenly, Vernon snarled at the visitors, "I told you we don't want anything. So leave before I call the police," then slammed the door once again.

One of the woman's eyebrows rose as she stared at the door in disgust. Crossing her arms over her chest, she turned to her partner. "Your turn," she said simply, as she stepped away from the door.

The man had a small, evil smile on his face as he pulled out a thin, long twig out of thin air.

WHOOOOFFFFFFF!!!!

The front door exploded into million of pieces. The Dursleys stood there in shock; their mouths hanging opened as they were pelted with bits and pieces of their former front door. The man and woman stepped into the house and looked at the gaping Dursleys in distaste.

The woman pulled out a wand, and with a simple flick of her wrist and a few words, the front door reappeared. The man turned to her with a curious look on his face.

"Well, we couldn’t have their neighbors get curious, now could we?"

The man snorted in disgust at the woman for outthinking him.

Petunia's mouth opened. And closed. And opened again. And shut again. All without a sound coming out of it. "You're… You're…" finally squeaked out her mouth.

"Freaks!" Vernon snapped out in angry. Petunia whimpered in fright as she tried to hide her paunchy son behind her twiggy frame. It was a thoroughly futile effort, Dudley’s rolls of blubber stuck out on both sides of his mother.

"We're not here to harm you," the woman said gently as the man glared evilly at the family. "I'm Professor McGonagall and this is Professor Snapes. We're here concerning Harry Potter."

"He's not here," Vernon growled. "The useless git ran away soon after returning home. Took all his things, even that bloody bird and disappeared that night." He thrust out his chin and puffed out his chest as if he dared them to call him a liar in his own home.

"You really don't expect us to believe that," Snapes replied, in a tone that sent shivers through Vernon.

"It's true," Petunia said in a voice squeaky with fright, worse than fingernails on a blackboard. "He took all his things and vanished in the night."

"Then you won't mind if we search your house for Harry or any of his things," Snapes said in a pleasant voice, which sent fear racing through the veins of the Dursley. "Minerva, would you be so kind to search the house while I talk with them?" he asked with a pleasant smile on his face.

McGonagall stared at him for a moment in sheer shock from Snapes being so informal and pleasant to anyone besides a Slytherin. She closed her mouth with a snap. With a quick nod of her head, she brushed past the Dursleys and climbed the stairs to the next landing.

"I think we're be more comfortable in the living room. Don’t you agree?" Snapes said in a tone that left little room for agreement.

The Dursleys huddled on their couch and watched wide-eyed as Snapes wandered around the room, picking up objects and studying pictures like he was examining a strange beast.

"Mmmm. Not even one picture of young Harry." Snapes said to himself.

"And why should we have a picture of that useless bastard?" Vernon snapped at Snapes.

Snapes turned and looked at the family as they sat at on their couch with a strange thoughtful look on his face. "For all the years I’ve known Mr. Potter I’m still trying to figure him out. For all that child has gone through in his short life; from his parents’ murder, to you miserable excuses for human beings, to the Dark Lord, I can’t figure out how he stayed so… innocent. I don’t believe that child could harm another living being unless it was to protect himself or others. I don’t even think he would take revenge on you for what you did to him this summer."

Vernon paled as he tried to edge as far away from Snapes as he could while remaining on the couch.

"Oh yes, I’ve seen young Mr. Potter. I saw his godfather bring his bloody and bruised body into Hogwarts after rescuing him from this hell that you call a home." Snapes’ voice bit the air like ice as his eyes narrowed to slits. "You should be very grateful to Dumbledore right now. He’s the only reason I’m here instead of that escaped mass murderer. Sirius really does have a soft spot for that boy. I would hate to image what he would to if he was here."

Dudley whimpered in fear as he clutched his mother. The color ran out of Petunia’s face as the realization hit her. "He… He… He was here?" She squawked.

Snapes’ cruel grin appeared again as he slowly nodded his head. "Oh yes, and he's planning some very evil things for those who hurt his godson. He mentioned something about doing the same thing they did to them but worse. But then again, Sirius is insane, who knows what he's capable of doing."

Petunia shoved her fist into her mouth to stop her strangled scream of panic.

"Now, we might be able to pacify Black, if we knew who was the once behind the majority of the boy’s injuries," Snapes explained as he walked slowly around the couch.

"It was Vernon," Petunia said as she tried to edge farther away from her husband. Vernon’s face was almost purple with rage as he glared murderously at his traitorous wife.

"He forced Dudley and me to do those awful things to Harry," she explained in a rush. "I may not have cared for my nephew as much as I should have. To be truthful, I’ve been an awful person to my sister’s child, but I would never even wish what happened to Harry on any living soul."

"Then why didn’t you protect him or contact Dumbledore?" Snapes asked as his eyes burned holes into the back of her head.

Petunia turned towards Snapes, tears running down her face. "I was scared," she said in a little voice. "When Vernon drinks he gets… it was a question of my son and my survival over Harry."

"You lying sack of shit!" Vernon roared at his wife. "Don’t you dare blame everything on me! I never once threatened you or that fat, whiny bastard of yours. I saw you grinning and laughing as you whipped that freak. You always got hot and bothered any time you could make him bleed."

Dudley whined at his father’s comment on being fat.

"Oh shut up, you fat, useless porker!" Vernon snapped. "And while we’re on that subject, Dudley didn’t seem to have any problems fucking that whore of a cousin. He was up there practically twice a day screwing his brains out."

"Don't you dare call my Dudley a fairy!" Petunia screamed, as she lashed out at Vernon with her nails. "If you hadn’t insisted that he go to YOUR school, he would never have met those types of people. It's all you fault!"

Snapes backed away from the fight on the couch until his back bumped into the wall next to the doorway. He watched wide-eyed as the Dursleys fought among themselves, each blaming the other for the crimes they had committed.

Snapes was pulled out of his trance by a hand that drew him into the entranceway. "Minerva," he gasped in relief. "Are you alright?" he asked, when he noticed her pale color and downcast eyes.

She shook her head to say no as she clutched in her arms a piece of cloth, Harry's wand and a few scraps of paper.

"Was that everything?" Severus asked in confusion over McGonagall's reaction and the measly items she held onto for dear life.

McGonagall slowly raised her head so she could look Snapes in the eyes. Her face was tearstained from whatever she had found in Harry's room. Slowly, she nodded her head yes.

Snapes reached up and gently wiped away her tears. "I'll find out where the rest of his stuff is at," he said gently before turning and marching back into the living room.

Snapes watched for a moment as Petunia and Vernon fought with each other, while Dudley watched with glee and cheered his parents on. With a snarl of disgust, he flicked out his wand and cast a spell.

Screaming in real terror now, Petunia backed away from what was once was her husband. Instead of the large beefy man named Vernon Dursley was a giant cockroach, it's legs and antenna waving wildly in the air.

"Now it's time for you to start answering some questions," Snapes said, in a voice that carried the promise of pain if they didn't do as he commanded.

Petunia and Dudley both nodded dumbly as they watched the cockroach plop down to the ground and start scurrying around the room.

"Where is Harry's trunk?" Snapes asked forcefully.

"Burnt." Dudley squeaked as he climbed over his mother, almost crushing her as he escaped the thing that was once his father.

"Burnt?"

Dudley nodded his head as he continued to watch the giant insect. "Dad made Harry burn everything."

"What!?!" Snapes exploded.

Dudley cowered in the face of Snapes anger as Petunia clutched her son to her breast. "Dad made him burn it all. His broom, books, everything, even his wand all up in flames."

"And his owl?" Snapes hissed as he trembled with fury.

"It's in the shed." Petunia answered weakly.

Snapes' eyes narrowed with hatred as he turned and stormed out of the room. "Watch them," he snapped off as he passed McGonagall. His anger could be heard in every footstep as he walked through the orderly kitchen and out to the yard.

With a quick jerk, Snapes wrenched the shed door open. He quickly found the snow-white owl in the back corner. A hiss escaped his lips as he aw the pitiful state the poor animal was in. As gently as he could, he carried Hedwig into the house.

As Snapes walked into the living room, his jaw dropped… instead of finding the Dursleys and the cockroach, he found a pink and purple spotted hyena, a giant slug and a very bashful McGonagall. "Pink and purple?" Snapes asked in shock.

With a shrug of her shoulders, McGonagall answered innocently, "I was inspired."

Snapes bit his lip to keep from laughing as he bowed her out of the house, leaving the Dursleys to be the animals they were.

****

P.S. The wand is NOT a mistake.