Frank paced around the research and development levels. With the bulk of their R&D in Silicon Valley, the R&D in Barnett Bay consist mainly of chemical and biological, two new grounds Frank had want to break into. And it was relatively successful since he had poached top scientists from all fields to work with him.

It was very much after office hours but there was a light emitting from one of biological lab. Wondering which muddled-head professor had stayed up late all night, Frank went to check. There he was, the rotund Professor Linko, one of the main experts in bio-genetic science. Frank had hired him too because he was ethical, unlike some whom had jumped at the chance of working with the large budget that Frank had offered them only to be upset that Frank forbade any form of cloning or any unethical, immoral and frivolous research and experiments.

Frank put on the protective gear found in one of the wardrobes right outside the laboratory. The door was unlocked so he simply stepped inside.

'Professor? What are you doing?"

Professor Linko looked up. He resembled Santa Claus in Frank's eyes. Giving an excited grin, he lifted up a secured vial of what looked like water.

"I'm nearing a breakthrough. It will come Frank! In a couple of months, maybe weeks or days!"

"Ah...so this is the virus you sent me an email about."

"This vial, Frank, contains a newly formed virus from a warped experiment. Nasty stuff, you will feel fine for a few years, we guessed, much like the Aids virus and go around spreading to people simply by kissing, hugging, sneezing and wham! The effects hit you and you will be lucky if the virus liquidate you heart first..."

"Excuse me, liquidate?"

"Yah, turn your organs into tissues, make you extremely painful. This virus here do it slow and painful. There's no cure now, but there soon will be."

"And you hold it up like that? My goodness, set it down! Immediately! Is that what you work with? Dangerous stuff like that? In my building? I must be out of my mind to approve it."

"Ah, well, the government had permitted to research on this top-secret virus. You know it's too great an opportunity to pass out! Think of all the new knowledge! New findings!" The professor was extremely excited, unable to control his zest for a new project.

"Alright..." Frank eyed the innocent vial careful.

Virus. A doomsday virus, in my laboratory.

But a cure, on the way.

"The government took it away from my hands for a while. But my baby will come back to me."

"Ah...work hard on it professor and...keep an eye on it."

"I will."

Leaving the laboratory, Frank contemplated going back to his office only to feel sick to the stomach when he thought of all the paperwork that he had to go through. So he decided to take a drive to Maple Ave., apologize to Nancy for being a jerk. It was not like he enjoyed arguing with her, which was so very often, but he felt that she was hiding a lot of things from him. She had been giving him contradictory information about her company and though her explanations always sounded good, he knew something was up with her and there was this barrier that was driving them apart. If he were to make a guess, he guessed she had been lying all the time.

About what? Her work? Maybe she's retrenched long ago but was too ashamed to tell me, her successful boyfriend. Ya...right.

And he was pretty sure he had seen the Grey Man this morning, and a few other times too but always, he could not confirm as the man would be gone before he could get a closer look, which made him even more suspicious that he was right. The Grey Man had stopped contacting Frank for a long time since Fenton had decreed that no agents should ever speak to Frank about anything at all and forbade Frank to even think about joining the Network since the incident for whatever reasons that only Fenton knew. Grey Man, out of respect for the head of the Network and out of respect for the fact that Fenton was Frank's father, said a final goodbye to his student-of-sorts and disappeared from Frank's life.

"You can convince him! You know me! You know what I'm capable of!"

"Frank...he's your father. And you do have a huge family business to take care of...after you finish Harvard."

"Fine! Leave me be! Let me go take the future that's not mine to take..."

"Do you honestly think this is something like trivial? Do you know the sacrifice one has to make to be part of the Network? Sometimes, even the government forgets that you're there!"

"I'm ready. None of you will let me."

"Revenge or whatever you feel you want to dish out on your brother is not a good driving force. Your dad knew what he was doing. You may be ready one day...but not now."

Maple Ave of Barnett Bay was totally different from Maple Ave. of Bayport where he spent his happier days. For one, Maple Ave of Barnett Bay had no Maple trees at all, neither did anyone sell Maple syrup. Frank often wondered why the name. Rubbish Avenue was more like it, since it was such a busy street and where there was people, there was litter. Nancy worked at a small trading company near the corner of Maple Avenue, a common street for small, non-profitable businesses. There were small stores with shopkeepers glancing hopefully at Frank in his suit. He suddenly felt obligated and stepped into each small stores to buy something, a pack of cigarettes, some drinks, a magazine. But his small act of kindness would not help them much. This street was marked for new development and Frank had a share in it. Soon, these poor businesses would be given an attractive price for their properties and he and his partners in this project would build middle-class apartments with a pristine view of Barnett Cliff a short distance away together with a small mall and a Cineplex. He wondered if it would be profitable himself but he knew that the potential this little area had was enormous and he would harness it. If it turned out to be a failure, it was no big deal. They had money to burn anyway.

He had not told Nancy about the future plans in store for Maple Avenue, wanting to tell her only when the Mayor had given the go-ahead. But if his deductions were correct, she would not be too sad by the changes.

For how could it be possible a small trading company would send someone overseas like many times in a year? Pleasure trips...ha...Nancy Drew, you don't have me fooled for a moment. I played along with you, you're just the kind of person they'll go for. And Grey Man in the same town as us? Coincidence even when my dad specifically ordered him to go far away from me? Nancy...I'm not stupid.

But he was not here to confirm his suspicions. He was here to apologize to her for being a jerk in the morning. He should not have just left her alone there in the café but she had pushed a button that they had promised never to push. Still, he was her boyfriend; he should not be that unkind to her.

Do I do it out of love or am I just being obliging?

I love her...right? Love...who knows that feeling anymore?

The old feeling of dying to see each other, to hold each other and missing each other seemed to be gond from their relationship and both were well-aware. But the past, the beautiful past they had, that they both so desperately cling on to cause them to not do anything that would jeopardize their position, and they spent each moment together, hoping that the past would somehow resurface.

That's what I am doing, walking with my past hanging over my head.

He spotted Nancy coming out of the company finally, near the end of office hours. She had exited alone and jumped a little when she saw him, sauntering over to her, a smile on his lips but not in his eyes.

"I thought I told you I don't want to be seen with you around here?" Nancy chided Frank gently, linking her arms with him.

Frank looked at her with those tired eyes of his, "But I just want to say sorry...and I thought you girls love to show off your boyfriends...why don't you like to show me off?"

"Because you're Frank Hardy of Maximillian Enterprise?"

"C'mon Nan, it's not like our relationship is one big secret!" He got irritated again, always when he wanted to be nice, to try to be romantic and spontaneous, she had to say something to ruin the mood. Calming down, he continued gently, "I just came to say sorry for this morning. It was uncalled for. You don't deserve to be treated this way."

"I'm glad you know." She smiled at him, a little obligating as well. Sometimes, Frank wondered if they were both just humoring each other. Or maybe it was just him, humoring her. He felt strained sometimes, unable to catch her, unable to catch himself.

"Shall we go for dinner detective Drew?"

Another slight jump. There was only so much control one could have over their secret. Frank just wanted to scream at Nancy to stop lying. He had been tolerant, but he could not be tolerant for long. If he finally confirmed it, it would be heartbreaking to say the least.

"No one calls me that anymore...it's nice here in Barnett Bay, you can leave your hectic past behind..." She replied, giving more elaboration than needed. She was intelligent, but Frank knew he was the one person she could not lie to and this lie was eating in her. Maybe he should just be kind and confront her outright.

Are you with the Network Dear?

Yes...but don't worry, I'll be home in time to fix dinner everyday.

He led her to his car, they were spotted by many who were more interested in his Porsche than him, as a business celebrity. The car ride was silent, they had not much to say to each other nowadays. She would no doubt ask about the virus out of curiosity but Frank felt he was in no mood to answer any questions of any kind.

So just like any usual dates, they ate in silence, smiling at each other occasionally, asking each other what they would like even though they already knew and they went home in silence too. Talk was too stressful for a relationship so old and with participants so full of their own lives and their own secrets. When Frank finally settled down in his penthouse, he was glad that their date was over. It was a gladness that brought him much guilt. Loosening his tie, he poured a glass of martini for himself, drinking it deliberately and slowly.

Checking his answering machines, he fast forward through all those phone calls from people ringing to tell him fabulous investments and business opportunities and from the directors as well who just called to check where their money were going to. He only listened to one, the familiar voice of Aunt Gertrude, asking him home for dinner.

Home, it had been close to month since he last stepped into the Maximillian-Hardy manor. Citing the need for a little privacy, he moved out half a year ago to this penthouse, his penthouse. Not yet his home, as it was an extravagant but lonely little place but soon to be.

How? Marry Nancy? Have kids? Hope I fall in love with her again?

Yes, he would go home tomorrow night and he would bring Nancy, and have a good talk with her. They were overdue for a talk.

Nancy was alone in her little urban apartment too, missing her cousins and her father. It had been a couple of months since she last called George and Bess and a month since she last flew back to River Heights to visit her father's grave. But her job kept her busy and she was basically, feeling about as tired as Frank.

She showered, letting the cold water run down her body, cooling her down, maybe waking her up. Dates with Frank always left her exhausted, not because they did a lot of things but precisely for the opposite reason. They were both avoiding topics that they should be talking about and when they did talk, they argued. It was becoming a drag, arguing, making up, arguing, making up and never really solving anything. And Nancy did not want to solve anything either too. She was tired of hiding secrets from Frank, tired of always having to watch what she said and how she react to some of his most innocent questions. The life of a secret agent was not conducive for love.

And she could tell Frank was strained as well. Maybe they should break up. A few times, she had wanted so much to initiate it. Maybe Frank had too, but she did not dare, because she did love him and she doubted she would ever stop loving him. She was there when he was an alcoholic after Joe was sent to state prison and they had been so much in love then, or she had been so needed then. Callie dumped Frank because she could not deal with his mess and Nancy took over, flying over to Harvard, staying in an apartment with Frank just to take care of him. She deferred her own college education by a semester and broke up with Ned Nickerson. Frank graduated with top honors and he had been so thankful to her. They were a good couple, a wonderful couple, until Frank no longer needed her.

And she no longer needed him. Chemistry attraction could only last so long. The phone rang, she doubt it would be Frank, calling her to tell her he had reached home. They had stopped that habit a year ago, being too busy to even remember each other's existence.

But I do love him. But I don't need him. I don't know if I want him after all.

"Yes?"

"It's Frank. Aunt Gertrude asked us back for dinner tomorrow." Another night with Frank, another night to deal with conflicting emotions.

"I'll be there."

"Ok. Goodnight...and...I'll fetch you?"

"I'll go by myself."

"Nan...I...take care of yourself."

Where's "I love you Nan?", " I will miss you...no...you put down first...let's put down together."

Tears welled in her eyes. She could tell Frank felt the same way as her.

"I love you baby." One last chance for sweetness, for the old intimacy.

"Me too. Good night." Click and the phone went dead. Nancy reached a resolution. It had been so difficult but it was something they should had done. She could not sleep the whole night, spending it rather on crying.

"I love you too. I'm sorry." Frank whispered into the phone that he had already disconnected from. He too reached a resolution. They could not go on like this.

"It's so wonderful to see you dearie! You must pester Frank here to bring you back for dinner for often! And so, he would come along too!" Nancy had met Frank at a small petrol kiosk near his family manor so they could enter the house together and spare themselves nosey, concern questions from Aunt Gertrude about why they never came together and etc. Nancy was holding Frank's hand which was not holding hers back. She smiled at Frank and leaned against his chest, keeping the pretense.

"Oh Aunty...he's busy..."

"He's always busy. You got to get some rest boy! Or you'll end up like your father, premature white hair."

Fenton Hardy was under more stress than anyone else, Nancy guessed. Being the head of the Network Committee Board, he had to facilitate whatever they did and if the Network screw up anything, he was the first one the government spoke to. Plus he had to still keep an eye on his family business which was left in his overall charge after Laura's death from time to time but he had already transferred all his power and authority into Frank's young shoulders.

Nancy knew why Frank had to move away from the manor. It was not because he did not love his family. He loved his family too much. He doted ridiculously on Marjory and kept a blind eye on Ben's forever absence and irresponsibility towards the company of which he was a vice-chairman and took over his duties as well, so no one would complain. When the whole incident wrecked the family apart, Frank, who probably was the most affected with Joe, the closest person to him in the whole world gone astray, was forced to be the strong one. He scoured for the best psychiatrists to treat Marjory and when she turned too crazy to stay at home, he, though far away in Harvard, took time off to search for the best mental care hospital while rushing back home every weekend to look after Marjory until she gotten well only a year ago, though still prone to manic depression and crazy, self-destructive actions. He had been the one cajoling Ben to do physiotherapy for his legs which he was still doing now and he had taken over the running of the household daily affairs, writing cheques for the servants, butler, looking through the company accounts and finishing his law degree. It was stress and the lack of time to grieve that turned him into an alcoholic which he forbade Nancy to mention to his family even up till now.

Not to mention the amputation of his spiritual right arm, Joe.

In short, Frank transformed to Superman. And when things finally settled down a year ago, he began actively looking for an apartment to get some privacy, to get away for a while and most importantly, to not turn insane. It was understandable that Frank would keep emotions to himself and pretend he did not have any fears at all, for he knew if he were to break down, the whole family would crumble.

"Aunt Gertrude, I'm so sorry. I do miss your cooking." Frank bent down to kiss his kind, old auntie. Aunt Gertrude happy, gung-ho nature had also taken a beating. She had been the one who cried the most at Laura's funeral.

Besides Joe of course, could not attend, could not see his mother for one last time.

They sat down at the huge dining table but the spread was very simple, home-cooked food, not gourmet stuff. Just roasted beef, mashed potatoes, an extremely tasty salad and other assorted small savory dishes. Marjory was spending the whole night talking to her elder brother who had not talked to her for two weeks. They chatted often on the phone after Frank moved away, but she did resent the fact that Frank wanted to move. Nancy had been the go-between, seeing how Frank was desperately trying to reconcile with his sister then.

"Sometimes Marjory, people need to find their own selves...in their own way..."

"I like you Nancy, but please, cut the crap. Frank can find himself in other ways besides moving out. I need him here, we need him here."

"Consider his needs too. He's only 24 going on to 25 years old. He's taking on the roles of provider, supporter, brother and father to all of you. Do you think you can let him have a breathing space of his own?"

Marjory had kept silent and called Frank up the next day. And Nancy was rewarded with an expensive diamond necklace. She did not want the necklace more then she needed Frank to say "I love you" to her. But the brother and sister were still very close.

"Frank, did I tell you I'm going for an audition next week?" Marjory excitedly announced to him, her blue eyes dancing, her brown hair soft and gleaming, cut short above her ears, giving her pixie look. She was very pretty, with a splash of freckles. Looking at her now, no one would have guessed the emotionally wrecked girl who had been brutally raped by someone she trusted. Frank had a lot to do with her recovery.

And it was only Marjory who could probably bring a genuine smile to Frank these days. Seeing his baby sister recover was already joyful enough. Seeing her taking chances again, going after things she liked to do, (she too had Laura Hardy's gift for music but her prowess fell short of Joe's.) certainly made Frank extremely elated.

"Nope, you didn't."

"Argh, she's been deafening us with her violin screechings all day long." Ben chimed in. He was the oldest of them, blond, brown eyes, pretty cute. The lost of the use of his legs made him a very insecure person and thus, unable to take on responsibility. He and Marjory should be close, considering they grew up together in Barnett Bay while Frank and Joe only came back once a year to reunite with their family. But the truth was, though they did love each other, they could not stand each other's company.

"Frank, shut him up please? He should be the one who moved, not you." She stuck out a tongue at Ben. She was studying music in Barnett Bay's University for the Arts, a pretty good University. She had gotten in after wowing the panel with her talent in violin and as well as Frank's letter of recommendation. Everybody wanted a piece of the business genius, even his sister would do.

Frank chuckled and ruffled her hair. Nancy sometimes felt like Frank saw a little of Joe in Marjory and that was why he was pampered the way he did, protecting and cherishing her the way he once did with Joe. Marjory spitfire temper, impetus and devil-may-care attitude were almost carbon-copied from Joe.

"Whatever, I do wish you get in and then you got to travel to Venice to perform and I will have peace finally!" Ben sent his well-wishing in his usual way of not trying to show too much concern. But they all knew what he meant. He really meant he wanted her to succeed as well.

The rest of dinner was extremely happy. Frank was relax but Nancy knew if he stayed longer, he would feel trapped and stressed again. Trish had broken some of the patient doctor confidentiality part and hinted to Nancy what Frank was really bothered with because she felt that no one but Nancy could help Frank. But Nancy knew that Frank had already been lost to her as well.

They sat for a while more before leaving, with Frank purposely adjusting his line of sight wherever he was to avoid the huge grand piano, carefully crafted by a master on a platform at a corner of the posh living room. It was present to Joe from Laura, who made no secret who was her favorite child, though she loved all four immensely. They kept the piano covered up and the corner darkened ever since the incident. Yet, they could never bring themselves to destroy it, as they had with much of Joe's things.

His trophies, his pictures, videos of him, his favorite toys, books, things...all given away or destroyed. A tumor they wanted to get rid of.

But Frank kept the watch Joe had given him for his 18th birthday. It was a lower end TagHeuer, but to Joe, it was a fortune. It was inscribed "Hero" behind. Frank had locked it up somewhere but Nancy knew he did not destroy it. She had seen him, when he was less sober, toying with it, laughing sadly at the same time.

The two of them took a walk in the back garden. The manor was huge and beautiful in a colonial style and at times, terrifying lonely. Marjory finally left Frank alone with Nancy. They sat at a bench, overlooking the pool area. Frank put an arm around Nancy, drawing her closer. It had been some time since they had any form of real physical intimacy.

"I have been thinking..." Frank began, his deep, smooth voice made heavier with emotions he barely allowed to surface.

"There's something wrong with us."

Nancy could already feel tears falling down her cheeks, but she could still breathe normally so Frank would not notice. She was so engrossed in trying a way to frame her decision when she suddenly felt Frank leaned in closer and kissed away her tears, making her cry even more.

"I love you. I need you. I don't know why we became the way we did, but I promise you I'll try."

Can I break up with you now? I don't want to either. But, shouldn't we break up?

His lifted up her chin gently, his brown eyes shimmering with unshed tears, "Don't cry. It hurts when you cry."

She broke down and sobbed into his strong, broad chest. He kissed her hair. She was not crying because she was touched or relieved. She was crying because she did not know what to do. He took it as a yes, they'll try. But would he really try?

She gazed then at the strong, handsome face and stroked the cheeks. He nuzzled against her hand and then kissed it before showering her face with kisses. She knew she would be returning to his place tonight but she did not know if they were doing the right thing at all.

He could smell the horrible smell of rancid sweat, engulfing him, demanding from him what he did not want to give.

Punches, strong punches, pummeling him. Evil laughter, saying they would have their fun, willing him to yield.

And his mind was suddenly detached from his body. He saw himself walking through the front door of his home. A sweet Tudor house surround by elm trees. The cooling breeze of the night beckoned him and he could see Aunt Gertrude, baking in the kitchen. He heard laughter, his laughter, Frank's laughter. Their mom and dad were not around. The brothers were planning a surprise little party for their anniversary.

Joe so wanted to just go back into that time. He knocked on the door. He knock and knock but no one seemed to answer. He saw his mom and dad came up the sidewalk, rushing over, he wanted to hold them, tell them how sorry he was, how much he wanted to go home.

But they did not feel him near them. No one did. The brothers threw the doors opened first, giving their parents a shock. "Surprise! Happy Anniversary to the most loving husband and wife in the world!"

Laughter again. Squeals of delight as presents were opened. Joe saw himself, youthful, strong and healthy. He saw Frank, with one hand around his own shoulder. He saw mom, showering him with kisses and hugging her "little baby".

He saw Joe. He looked at himself. So different. No, not him. He's not himself anymore.

Then who is he? Abandoned, never to use his last name again. He's not Joe anymore. He had changed.

And no one will recognize him anymore. It did not matter. Joe had already died.

And then he heard snarls, horrible manic laughter. He was back. Back in that hell hole.

Pain, humiliation. His soul was being ripped again and again. The horrors would never end as some part of him whispered,

"You deserved it. And more. Much more. Justice is served."

Screaming, screaming. Joe retreated into his mind again, warped as it was. In a place that made men animals, Joe's mind was his only place of solace. Until even his mind gave up on him, and then he felt immensely lost and confused.

I think I must have done those things. I must have. I would not suffer so much for nothing.

And so he convinced himself that he had done all those horrible crimes. He had.

He would not have suffered for nothing. Frank would not have let him suffer for nothing.

It must be for something. For the evil that he had done. One day, he would remember how he did them, why he did them. For now, he was contented to know that he had done them.

Joe woke up forcefully; it was hardly two a.m. when he was completely defeated by his nightmares. He had remained sober for at least a week and now, all he wanted was beer. Lots of beer. Michel had not awoken as Joe's nightmare this time round was a silent one, one that would weigh heavily on him without any outlets whatsoever. Very gently, he tiptoed to the kitchen and flung opened a cabinet. Stepping on a chair, he examined the top shelf. Moving some boxes of uneaten and probably forgotten packets of tidbits aside, he found what he was looking for. A similar looking brown box like those he had shifted away but with Leroy's secret stash of beer inside. Malcolm was far too strict with them, not allowing alcohol of anytime in the House. Leroy had hidden the beer inside but he had left the House already, having found a job outside. That much Joe knew, he could not be bothered with the details except that Leroy, at time of moving, was so closely supervised by Malcolm that he had not the guts to carry his precious box out. If he ever returned for it, he would find it all gone.

Taking down a few cans, Joe slowly descended from the chair. Leaving the cans on the table, he hurried to repack the shelf as it was before and brought the cans out of the building for a drink under the stars. Taking a long drink from the first can, he closed his eyes and allowed himself to think of his brother for a moment. He always thought of his brother but those thoughts came unbidden. He would consciously think of Frank now and smiled at the memories of Bayport, that quaint little town near New York which had resisted all attempts at complete modernization. Suddenly seized with homesickness, he wondered if Bayport had changed and if he should take a trip there one day, incognito, just to see how everyone was doing. Taking out a creased photo that he always kept with him, he looked at a group photo his old gang had taken and remembered the past.

I bet they're all gone. Callie should be a journalist by now, traveling to all sorts of funny places to get her stories...is she still together with Frank? Biff...Biff may be in some football team...Tony has long wanted to go to Hollywood, hey, maybe he's trying for a role in The Sopranos...haha...Phil will no doubt make his home in Silicon Valley.

So why should I return? There's nothing left for me there, nothing, except maybe the weird stares of those of those who will recognize me. Chet will. He will still be in Bayport. He loves that place too much to leave. Maybe he may take over Mr Pizza and eat up all the food and get fatter than he already is. I owe him too much.

Vanessa...

The name drew some blood. After Iola, Vanessa was the only girl Joe could bring himself to be serious about. Sure, though everyone around them liked them as a couple, but the two of them had often been badmouthed by those who were envious of them or wanted to snatch one away from the other. Vanessa had made a lot of enemies, being the girlfriend of probably the most popular guy in school and Joe had to fend off advances on Vanessa by guys who just wanted to prove they could steal a girl from Joe Hardy who were stealing girls from them always.

Bullshit. I have never stolen anyone's girl. Vanessa...it's good that you left me when you did. Your jock boyfriend is a joke now. A big fat joke in a skinny outfit.

Just the other day, he had seen a news article on Vanessa Bender. She was gorgeous with that ash blond hair always in tip top condition, that ash blond hair that Joe had loved to play with and smell. From the report, he knew she had been talent-spotted as a model and was doing successful stints in Milan, France and other countries. World famous now, she had hooked up with one of the hot rising star of Hollywood, Marc Blencht and the article had wrote that the two "deeply-in-love" youngsters were considering getting married. Joe had crushed the article and threw it down a bin.

There you go, Vanessa, the most famous among us all...

No...there's Frank. Now a multi-billionaire, running grandpa's empire, doing extremely well. Voted twice as Entrepreneur of the Year, a celebrity in his own right.

I'm so proud of you brother. Mean it. Do you know it?

The more mockingly, will it mean anything to you?

Frank's face suddenly popped in front of Joe. Shaking his head again, he squinted at the figure in front of him in the darkness, a little happy only to be met with disappointment.

"Where you get those?"

"These?" Joe pointed at beer cans around him, shock to find that he had already emptied four.

"Yah." Michel's face was angry...or seemed to be angry. Joe could not really see in the dark. The two of them had become friends with a strange bond after the first night they had talked to each other. Though Joe kept silent most of the time with Michel, Michel would always be there for him, hushing up Regina when she made snide remarks at him, intervening to Malcolm on his behalf whenever he done something wrong which was often and always had something to do with alcohol. The late nights' talks also became more common though Michel would do most of the talking and Joe would add in little details of his life as and when he wanted to. The bond between them was a strong one and a strange one for it was Joe who knew a lot about Michel's past but Michel who probably knew more about what Joe needed.

"Yes Joe. Did you buy them and hide them somewhere?" Michel interrogated him, sometimes, the similarity between Michel and Frank could get irritating. Frank would often interrogate Joe also when he messed up, wanting to know all the details. Joe just wished Michel would let up.

"Beer's good for me. Calories. Need to get fat." He sullenly replied. He was having a good time drinking and reminiscing and Michel had to spoil the fun. Sure, he would get depressed thinking how he had changed and everything and probably drink himself silly just to forget but now, at least for the first 4 cans, he was happy drinking.

Am I? Then why must most of my thoughts be laced with self-pity?

That's because that's what you are now, a sniveling little girl.

Michel said nothing except to throw Joe's trainers next to him. "Get rid of those. We're going for a run. You love running, don't you?"

Joe laughed. "There's a time for everything." Raising up a newly opened can, "This the time for this."

Michel snatched the can away from Joe and dragged him to his feet. His right hand drew back in a hook and Joe closed his eyes for the inevitable punch. But it never came. When he opened his eyes again, Michel was just grabbing his t-shirt with his left hand but the right hand had fallen to his side, relaxed.

"Let's go for a run kiddo. You owe me that. Promises to stay sober are promises meant to be kept."

How many times had I promised him? Let's count, 5, 6,7,8 times? Don't he get the idea? I don't know how to keep that promise.

"You will not keep up with me." Joe pulled himself away from Michel's grasp and reluctantly put on his trainers, his heart sinking when he saw Michel taking the remaining couple of cans, opening the tab and pouring the contents on the floor. Joe winced. Now, there were only 5 left in the box, his secret stash now.

"Heartbroken? Knowing you, if I just throw it in a bin, you will be rummaging through it in an instant. Now, you can go kiss the ground." Michel gave Joe a half smile.

"Yah...whatever...the grass will probably get a hangover the next day and start tickling your toes." Joe had no wisecracks back at Michel. He tightened his shoelaces with exaggerated efforts and then proceeded to stretch himself a little.

"We follow my route." Michel ordered and started off. Joe grumbled under his breathe and sprinted behind, overtaking Michel very quickly who seemed a little shock at Joe's speed.

"Hey! You don't know where we're going...jog next to me."

"I don't like being slowed down."

"I said jog next to me."

Joe jogged on the spot for a while, waiting for Michel to catch up. Slowing his pace, he jogged alongside Michel who took him beyond Bay Ave, across some streets and into a wide open field. He made Joe slow down and they slowed down to a halt in the middle of the field, doing the necessary cooling exercises before collapsing on the ground.

"This is where you wanted to bring me?"

"Best place for star gazing in Little Port. No one's around, no lights except for the moon. And it's a beautiful night." Michel stared up at the sky and Joe did the same. He was moved by what he saw. If he had seen plenty of stars on the doorsteps of the House, he must have seen the whole heavens there.

"Beautiful huh?" Michel turned towards Joe, his brown eyes glimmering in the darkness. Joe turned to him and smiled, though it would probably be missed in the darkness.

"Yah...it's...gorgeous." Joe admitted, returning his gaze to the heavens.

"When I'm sad, I'll come here and look up into the sky. I'm so small compared to the Universe, how much larger can my problems be?"

Large enough to overwhelm you, sink you, make you sick of yourself.

Joe nodded. He closed his eyes. "I was not drinking to forget just now. I was drinking to remember."

"Why would you do that?"

Joe could see Bayport in his mind. "Because the memories, though happy, can bring pain to your heart. Need something to numb it for a while."

"When will you tell me your story?" Michel asked. He folded his hands behind his head, hoping for a positive sign.

Joe chuckled softly. "Look at me. I'm all you need to know now if you want to know me. My past...not important at all."

He heard Michel yawned and laughed. "So how are we going to get back?"

"We're not. I'm tired...stopping you from drinking is not an easy task."

"You can try punching the daylights of me next time, instead of running to see stars."

"I want to see the stars too. And I'm showing this romantic place so you can bring your future girlfriend here next time." Michel jested. Joe knew Michel had problems of his own and probably, he had been plagued by it lately too.

"Wouldn't want to crash your party buddy. It'll always be your place. I will only borrow it for myself sometimes."

"Thanks for being so generous."

"You're welcome."

Michel had fallen asleep and Joe, accustomed to the darkness, could see his face set in a slight smile. Was he dreaming about the daughter he had not seen before? Joe did not know but he prayed to God that Michel would only have happy thoughts, for he was a good man.

And God, if You're there, help me not to lose my faith.

Help me go home soon.

The soup kitchen was extremely busy of late. Little Port's unemployment had reached an all time high and no one knew what to do about it. Joe could not remember how many bowls of soup he had served. He only knew that they were running out of both soup and bowls. A young mother with a little girl materialized in front of him. They were the last in the long queue which Joe had hoped would not start building afresh again because he was tired and because he did not want to know that there were so many people out of job when he, who had just came out from prison, seemed to be in a much better position than them. The feeling of surreal came back to him again, he felt like he had been on earth doing menial tasks while his mind took a holiday elsewhere. Somehow this young mother caught his attention.

Joe had not checked out a girl in a very long time. He felt like he had already lost the right to admire a girl for her beauty. But this woman, she was really beautiful, not so much in the conventional sense even though she would rate extremely high in anyone's book, but it was a beauty that radiated from her inner being.

She had long raven hair which should be soft but was matted on her head with sweat. Her eyes were large, green and intense and after seeing so many who had lost all will to make a living for themselves, the intensity in her eyes were a welcome contrast to the deadness that he had seen in the rest.

And in himself perhaps.

"I don't normally do this but I'm jobless for over a month. My kid here, she needs to eat. Can you please hurry?"

Joe awoken from his reverie of admiring this woman in front of him. Apologetically, he quickly scooped two ladles of soup onto the bowls and motioned her on. At the same time, he whispered, "All the best to you."

The lady eyed him with a funny look. And she let up a surprised little breathy laugh before moving on to collect her bread. Joe was embarrassed. He had meant it, she had been one of those who had actually apologized for not being able to find a job and support her family in some way and he really meant what he told her.

But Joe could not keep his eyes off her. This woman was tanned, very alluring so. And her face, though young, was marked with a level of maturity that only lessons in life could give.

He saw her patiently feed her little girl. Cute little button nose, short auburn hair and on the thin side. When the little girl refused to touch the almost tasteless food, he saw that instead of being angry, the woman continued to gently cajole her daughter. Her own soup getting cold.

And his heart went out to her.

"Pretty woman huh? Too bad she had a kid or Casey's gonna try to date her."

Joe simply continued dishing out soup. Of course Casey wanted to date the woman, he wanted to date all the women. While not very tall, at 5 feet 8, Casey was tall enough. And he was muscular, oozing a manly charm that could charm some dumb blondes.

And then Joe became insanely jealous. It used to be him that could charm the socks of all girls but he was serious about who he want to date. And now, he could not even hold a candle to annoying Casey who, already had a job waiting for him next week as some office clerk in some nice office downtown.

Joe pushed Casey aside to step into the kitchen for a cloth to clean up the counter. Casey, sensing hostility shouted, "Hey, if you like the woman so much, just go ask her out man. Casey ain't gonna step into a brother's territory!" Joe saw the woman and half of the diners' turing to stare at the counter. Embarassed, he slipped into, his heart pounding. It was just a woman right? He did not even know her name.

But now she knows you do find her attractive. Maybe she'll come again until she finds a job. Maybe you can get her to help out here, just ask Malcolm. Maybe.....

The thrill at the prospect of maybe seeing her for few days more brought a rare smile to his face. And suddenly, images of his torture in prison came back in flashes. Flashes that were quick but which hammered blows one after another in the little youthful hope that crept back at him.

I'm changed. No one will like me again if they knew. No one.

But still, he stole a glance at her. He knew instantly she was different. She must be. And he would see her again. And he would feel in his heart what he had not felt for so many years. A sense of juvenile joy.

She came again, for the next two weeks, always with her little daughter. And always Joe would try to be extra attentive, like actually concentrating on ladling the soup into her bowl without spilling any so she would get all the nourishment she was entitled to and picking the softest chunk of bread for her. And he would smile, something he was not very adapt at doing, so he imagined he must had looked like he was just showing his teeth. And to his surprise, after a few times of smiling at her, she smiled back. Her set of teeth was perfect and her smile was one that would be seen as sweet.

Very sweet.

Sometimes, when he was not haunted by memories, he would find himself devising ways to try to get to know her name. But they all seemed so silly because when he actually saw her, he would be all speechless. But he was glad she heard his voice at least once.

All the best to you. What kind of crap is that?

Joe ignored the demeaning voice in his head as he desperately fixed his eyes on the door, hoping she would join the queue today. So fixating that he did not know he had poured soup onto someone's tray instead of her bowl.

"Watch it mister! Food is money ya know."

"Ya, cool it. I'll get you another bowl." He flatly replied.

Casey sniggered.

"She ain't coming today man. Maybe it's a good thing. She must have found a job."

The disappointment in Joe's eyes was so apparent. But he knew he should congratulate her in his heart. And he did.

After clearing up the soup kitchen, Joe did not want to go back into the House yet. He took a slow jog after changing into more comfortable attire along Bay Ave. It was a depressing place but at the same time, he liked to think romantically that the soup kitchen was like a beacon of light.

Beacon of light. He saw her, she was jogging up towards him in smart office clothes. Worn, but smart. When she saw him, she put her palm onto her chest and panted for a while. But the smile was there.

"It is closed? The soup kitchen?"

Joe just stood there, his mouth gaping open. Then he broke into an awkward but happy grin.

"You!" He exclaimed.

"Yes...me...." She replied, tentatively, probably thinking he was crazy. "If it's close, I must be really lucky then to have met you here."

"Me?" He questioned, a little baffled at this stage.

"Is your vocabulary limited to you, me, all the best?" She asked, with a little cheekiness. "I came to thank you and your mates. Because of your soup kitchen, it kind of gave me some kind of hope people are always willing to help people and I'm determine not to let you guys who are spending so much time helping others down. I found a job. It doesn't pay as well but it's a start."

"Great!" Joe struggled to find some more words to say. "I'm very happy for you.."

More Joe, she would be walking away soon.

The both of them, having ran out of words to say, stood awkwardly in the middle of the avenue. Joe finally looked down and very, very shyly asked " I'm f..free. I mean, are you free? If..if let's say you are...we..we can...damn..." Deep breathe. This was so difficult. " I'm sorry, the damn was not for you, it was more like..hell..no..forget....."

"Sure! That'll be fantastic."

"Huh?"

She threw him an enchanting smile and linked her arms with his. "You're cute, very cute, do you know that? I'll love to go out with you, if you don't mind that I'm a single mom."

Joe could barely contain his joy. A stupid grin emerged on his face and it seemed like for the rest of the night, it would not go away. Everything was perfect. The night was not too hot, there was even a slight breeze that rustled the leaves. The moon was full and stars, plenty of stars. And a beautiful woman, obviously interested in him. Life was wonderful.

"My name's Hope Hings. What's yours?"

Hope, it seemed like hope had arrived and it came in her, in her beautiful face, in her cheery voice.

"I'm Joe...Joseph..Brat..ly?" Joe came up with a fictitious last name at the last minute.

"Joseph..that's a sweet name, for a sweet guy." She threw him another smile. He blushed. He knew he was anything but sweet. But he was flattered and let her led him to where she wanted to bring him.

She took him to a coffee place near Little Port End, close to the big sister city of Barnett Bay. They had taken a public transport which had come to the bus stop just as they arrived. The timing could not have been more right. However, feelings of insecurity rushed over him in waves again. It started when he thought he was really sloppily dressed, and assured himself when he saw his jeans was a new pair which he had just worn in the morning and his t-shirt, though nothing to look at, was clean and pressed. Then it was his speech, or his physique. In fact, he was pre-occupied with what he thought would turn her off that he did not know that he was annoying her.

"You are supposed to be paying attention to you date, not yourself."

Joe looked up from checking his reflection in the glass panel of the window and straightened up immediately.

"I...no..I am definitely paying attention..I..I just...."

She put her soft gentle hands over his. "It's ok. You look fine and I look gorgeous. We make a lovely couple." Hey eyes twinkled. Joe laughed, a little nervously. He was afraid he would run of things to say but she did not seem to feel the same way. Easy-going and chatty, she would talk about the most insignificant thing and Joe would find it absolutely engaging. He could just listen to her talk and talk and talk. In fact, on the bus trip there, he was doing just that.

They locked eyes for a while. Joe could find himself lost forever in those deep dark eyes, not that he minded. The spell was broken when the waiter finally came with their coffee and cheesecake. The night continued, almost spellbound at times. It was so easy to be with her. She was shocked that he had never stepped out of the soup kitchen to explore Little Port and promised him that she would bring him on a one-day guided tour soon. And he had told her nothing but lies.

For how do I tell her that I was a prisoner and still am?

So he told her that he was jobless and the soup kitchen was willing to take him in with shelter as well and a small allowance. She seemed convinced and praised him for choosing such a humanitarian job. He felt horrible, like he was cheating someone truly, genuinely interested in him.

The truth can come later. It's not like I won't tell her.

When he saw her to her doorstep, he did not want to leave. He house was small but well looked after, unlike others that seemed to be in shambles around hers. The lights in the living room were still on and he could see a teenager reading inside.

"Your kid too?" Joe asked, before hitting his head for asking such a stupid question. She was only 24. There was no way she could have a child about 15 years of age.

She laughed. She loved to laugh. "You're a joker! Do I look that old? She's the babysitter. Little Caramel needs to be look after too when her mommy's out gallivanting."

Without warning, she pulled him into an embrace. Whispering into his ears, "Aren't you going to kiss me goodnight?"

Joe awkwardly put his arms around her waist. It had been so long since he hugged someone so soft and warm. It had been so long since he allowed someone to touch him so intimately. She was breaking all his defenses and he could thank heavens for it.

Slowly, a little unsurely, he wanted to plant a kiss on her rosy cheeks. Did he still remember how to kiss a lady? She was definitely a lady. A soft kiss or a lingering one?

He decided to go for a lingering one on her cheeks. And she had to turn so that their lips met. Shocked and afraid of the added intimacy, Joe broke the embrace and jolted backwards. She was surprised as well. He hoped she would not take it the wrong way, he would explain to her but he did not know how. To explain would be to tell her everything and it was not the right time.

But she took it in naturally for which he was glad. "Well, a cute, sweet, gentlemanly and shy guy. It must be my lucky day. Most men would just wait to see if they could jump onto my bed. There aren't many like you now." She beckoned him for one more embrace, for which he was glad to return to.

"I really like you. I didn't go to the soup kitchen just to thank people. I only want to thank you, want to ask you out if you hadn't opened that mouth of yours. Really! And I want to see you again. Do you want to see me again?"

"Yes," he whispered immediately, burying his face in her hair, enjoying the fragrance of her shampoo, smelling like sugar and spice and everything nice.

"When?" She looked up at him, her face so close to his, her body so warm.

"Tomorrow. I want to see you everyday." He did not expect himself to be so candid. He really just wanted to see her again. Soon.

"Hmm...I want to see you tomorrow too. But we can't. I have to take care of Caramel and I don't want us to wear out our interest in each other. Today's Tuesday, do you think we can wait until Friday till we see each other? I'll meet you at the soup kitchen after work..."

"I'll try..." Joe replied, all earnest and sincere.

She leaned forward and kissed him on his cheeks. "Not greasy too. I must be extremely blessed to have met you. You're like...purrrfect." Giggling, she let him go. They broke their embrace and Joe still did not want to leave.

He watched her as she opened the door and then he went to a corner and continued watching her. He stayed until her baby sitter left. He did not know how long he stood staring into her window. All the way until she turn off the lights.

The he knew she was safe. And then he could go back. It was late when he arrived back the house. The public bus service was no more and so he had to walk. But it was alright. Because he knew he had found something really wonderful. And he would never let her go.

When he returned, he found Michel still awake, no doubt waiting to grill him on being late. He simply gave Michel an enigmatic smile, grabbed his towel to take a shower. When he returned, Michel was still there with a raised eyebrow.

"So?'

"So nothing."

"Why are you so late? Are you drinking? Why are you smiling like an idiot?"

"If I said I went for a run, will you believe?"

"Nope."

"I went for a run. Good night!" And he dove into bed and pretend to sleep, ignoring Michel. Close as Michel was to him, he wanted it to be a secret, something only he and Hope knew. He did not want too many people to share in his joy. He wanted it to be a sure thing first.

It will be right? She does really like me.

That's because she don't know you.

She will...I can feel it...she's...different.

Don't come crying to me when she dump you.

Shut up.

And so he shut the voices for that night, having one of the rare peaceful sleep. Her face was the last thing he remembered before he drifted into dreamland and he was glad for she was beautiful and would bring him beautiful dreams.

"So, you found out anything?"

"Not yet. This guy won't talk."

"But I thought you said you were close."

"Yah...gimme some more time. You'll get what you want."

Joe's mood was in cloud nine lately. He had dated Hope regularly for about a month now and things between them could not be better. Basking in the glow of love, he had managed to shed off part of the shell that he had covered himself in. Laughing at jokes, partaking in conversations and even their nightly games of poker, of which he lost a little of his savings, it seemed the power of love had broken some of that darkness that had surrounded him like thick cloak. However, he was still quiet, still reserved, still prone to shutting people out just when they thought they had the chance to get close.

Michel and Malcolm had been on the receiving end of it. Joe had not had a bad emotional outburst like the one in the soup kitchen and dates with Hope left him tired and exhausted that he had no time to dream. Michel on a couple of occasion had tried to engage Joe in serious conversation but they ended talking about the weather instead. Joe was evasive about personal questions that he asked. Everyone in the soup kitchen knew he was dating Hope but no one got any details. Joe kept it all inside him, a little secret to be cherished and treasured.

Malcolm though, fared a little better. At least he was the only one to know that Joe was not comfortable with physical intimacy yet. It was not so much as what Joe confided in him. Joe never, unless in special circumstances or when caught at a very vulnerable mood, confide in anyone much, not even Michel. Out of fear of rejection, the boy kept everything inside and rejected everyone. All, except Hope.

He had seen Hope and Joe met some distance outside the soup kitchen in an enclave of trees by pure accident. He just happened to pass by the undeveloped area as a shortcut and if he had not turned into that direction, he would have missed them completely. He saw how Hope had tried to kiss Joe on the lips only to have him turning in time so she touched his cheeks and he had seen the hurt in her eyes. And Joe had seen him too when he turned and scowled, angry that his secret meeting place with Hope was discovered. When he had returned, he had ask Malcolm not to tell anyone about that place.

"It's our secret, so I hope...."

"I know what to do. You had a fight or something? She was just trying to kiss you, you don't have to turn away the way you did."

Joe stared at Malcolm, fire danced in those blue eyes.

"How I respond to my girlfriend kisses, touches, words etc. is my business."

"Ok ok...just..just trying to. Nevermind. I just felt sorry for the lady. She must feel there's something wrong with her."

There was a long silence. Joe seemed to be bursting with things to say but he simply sighed.

"The problem's with me. There's something wrong with me." The soft voice answered, not to Malcolm but to himself, tinged with sadness, it spoke volumes that Malcolm could understand a little.

He walked away, as an afterthought, owing to his deep mistrust in people, "promise me you'll never say this to anyone. Anyone."

"Ok....but what if I don't?"

Joe stated, matter-factly,"I'll slice off your tongue." The smile widened. A cheeky one, the first he had seen Joe wore on his face. But just as soon as the smile was worn it was discarded, replace by the same, poignant look." I know you understand. Thanks for not...for not asking more."

Malcolm nodded his head and watched as Joe climbed up the stairs into his bedroom. He worried over this boy, over his relationship. He had treated Joe like his younger brother.

Like Jules.

We all have our little darkness.

"Mal....Mal.." Joe's voice, though soft, shook Malcolm out that recollection. He turned and saw Joe standing behind him, a haversack in his hands.

"Yes?"

"I...I'll be moving today. Sorry I did not have the chance to tell you but...well, we only just decided yesterday."

Malcolm raised an eyebrow, but before he could enquire more, Regina, also in the kitchen, chimed in.

"So you moving with her? That's real fast. Malcolm here won't allow you to unless you come back with a marriage certificate, right Malcolm?" She gave Joe the once over. "I really don't know what she sees in you and your eternal PMS. You're one damn lucky fella."

Joe ignored her. "Mal, I got a rented place near hers. It's easier for me to...to help her look after Caramel sometimes. She's been very busy lately."

"You got enough?"

"I got a job too. It's not too difficult. Just delivering stuff."

"Ok. But I hope to see you clock in some time during weekends. Won't want you to lose contact with us." Malcolm was not very happy with this arrangement but he knew these kids will one day find their own wings again. And they would fly. Most did not remember the House that helped them for the first couple of trying months. Some returned for a visit. But he knew that Joe would be one to keep it in his heart for the rest of his life.

"Thanks Malcolm. I.." Joe struggled for the right words. It was difficult when Regina's around, hovering around them like a mother hen.

"Regina, please, leave us alone."

"Just when it's getting interesting? Go on, say the farewell that will make me cry."

"Regina!" This time, both Malcolm and Joe screamed in unison. Malcolm was a little surprised at Joe's sudden outburst. Most of the time, he would simply ignore Regina.

"Ok, ok....I'll leave you two big guys alone." She stalked off, unhappy that she was not allowed into their world.

When she was out of sight, Joe laid down a band of stars made from straws strung together into a bracelet.

"I know this looks very girlish but...but this is the only origami I know. I want you to have it as a token of appreciation." In a very sincere voice he said, "Thank you."

"I'll keep it, but don't expect me to wear it." Malcolm jest. Weird and difficult as Joe was, he felt he had developed a special bond with Joe. "You can go now. Go..before.."

"I'm not finish." Joe stated. He was not used to emotional confessions like this, but some things had to be said.

"You're the only one who knows and...and yet you did not judge me. Instead you tried to be a friend. I'm sorry I pushed you away all the time but...but I don't know how else to deal..." Joe's voice started to crack.

"For all that you are, thank you. Thank you so much."

Malcolm gave Joe a hug. He could feel the kid cringed but he knew that Joe needed friendship. And it seemed that Joe was not shying away now as, while he did not exactly return the hug, he did not extricate himself away either.

"It's ok. You'll always have a home here."

Malcolm walked Joe to the car and there was the very pretty Hope with her daughter in a second hand Toyota she had just bought. Joe stood next to the car for a while, his head bent all the time. Then finally, with resolve, he opened the back door and threw his haversack containing all that he had and just as he was ready to get in, he turned around and gave Malcolm a hug, one that took Malcolm by surprise. And then he passed Malcolm his address, written on a slip of paper.

"I did not tell Mic about it...it...it was a sudden decision...please...tell him goodbye for me. And pass this to him, will you?"

"Yes, of course. Take Care."

Without saying another word, Joe went inside the car. Hope smiled at Malcolm and little Caramel, usurping the front passenger seat kept waving vigorously at him in all her friendly innocence.

"Bye Bye Uncle! Byebye!" On her hands too were a small little bracelet made from straw stars. Joe must had gotten very well with her.

Malcolm watched as Hope drove off. Never once did Joe look back but Malcolm was glad. The kid was out to seek his own future but Malcolm could not shake off a nagging feeling. But love would help a person. He only hoped that Hope would understand eventually.